The Told Ones enter the lively, street-performance-filled city of Quirm, which has a sort of…Renaissance-y feel to it. They immediately bump into a relative of CMOT Dibbler, who calls himself Whack-Meself-Off Dibbloni, and to his surprise finds Loki eating one of his infamous Quirmian sausages! He proceeds to tell the team all about his fair city, just as a fight breaks out in front of the Collapsed Tower of Quirm: two great inventors, Leonard da Quirm and Bergholt Stuttley (B.S., or “Bloody Stupid”) Johnson, are arguing over who deserves the city’s Inventor’s Grant.
Breaking up the bedlam comes the Duke of Quirm, Rodley, who decides to hold a contest wherein 6 lucky people will help test the inventors’ newest machines in a “mad mad mad mad relay race”. And wouldn’t ya know it? Our heroes are the ones selected to “volunteer”, with only a LITTLE bit of (literal) prodding from the City Guard.
Beau and Loki first face off in the Test of Mobility, flying through the city on two dangerous flying machines. Loki finishes first, partly thanks to some camaraderie on the part of Beau, handing the virtual baton off to Sen’dai, who must play a strange looking musical organ. Dialyn is up next for Team da Quirm, and must solve a complex decoding machine puzzle. The teams are nearly neck-and-neck in the final contest (one of strength), which pits Deck against the (now severely-depowered ever since his trip to Hell) Cohen the Barbarian, in a final effort to re-raise the Collapsed Tower of Quirm.
Cohen manages to eke out a victory, and as thanks, B.S. Johnson (who gets a 10,000 GP grant from the Duke) hands over 500 of his gold, as well as his helpful Modron assistant Blavi, to our helpful heroes. He then takes them to dinner at a super-classy seafood place (where he gives them another very special gift), but when he recognizes Beau as one of the famous Shazam Brothers and tells the group of the Shazam Fighting Pits (and nearby rowdy bar), all of the group save Deck take off for cheap booze. Deck politely stays for dessert and is given 6 tickets to the Grand Opening of the Quirm City Zoo the next day (for which B.S. designed the cages…oh boy). He also recommends the gang say hi to his daughter Phinelia Marie Susan (P.M.S.) Johnson at the Quirm College for Young Ladies.
The group gets good and sloshed (except Deck and Sen’dai) at the bar, flirting, fighting, and schmoozing with a group of real jabronis, who are competing in the tournament the next day. Beau manages to lure one outside (not what you think), in order to knock him out and take his clothes, and his slot, in the morning’s Quarterfinals. The rest of the group, after a bunch of solid RPing, ventures to the Alchemists’ Guild in search of Leonard da Quirm, who scuttled away suspiciously after the relay race, only to find out that he had stolen the “Words” from the guild’s Golem Laborer and was being commissioned by the Patrician to duplicate the Golem-technology in a secret lab somewhere in the city.
Sent off by Lord Explosario, head of the Alchemists’ Guild, our heroes infiltrate da Quirm’s secret lab by various sneaky means (but not, sadly, peeing down his chimney) and discover him behind a Scooby-Doo-rific bookcase with an inanimate Golem. He insists he was going to return the scroll when he was done, but must finish his work. The Told Ones agree to come back for both the scroll, and the “golem manual” da Quirm is creating, the next afternoon.
With time to kill, the group goes to bed in various locations (*cough*Dialyngetslaid*cough*) and gathers back together the next day to check out the Zoo and the Fighting Pits. B.S. Johnson is being honored at the zoo, but Deck and Loki realize that the cage for the “new exotic exhibit” is faulty, and manage to placate the near-riotous crowd in order to give Johnson the time he needs to fix the lock and prevent certain catastrophe. A charming musical number ensues, and Dialyn passes out in some hay.
Meanwhile, Beau has infiltrated the fighting pits, and Sen’dai attempts to do the same, speaking to the Fightmaster Big Bill, and then dueling with one of the contestants, Mighty Mask, who is definitely an adult. Sadly, Sen’dai is forced to retreat from the powerful opponent.
The remaining trio of Deck, Loki, and Dialyn meet with the Duke (using their various court-diplomacy-skills to bypass a bunch of needy civilians because, y’know, THEIR mission is more important than these losers). They convince him to send a spare Quirmian Marquis to the Pseudopolians in order to help regain order over the city. What a bunch of little helpers, eh?!
Finally, they all manage to meet up at the Shazam Fighting Pits Tournament, where Dialyn’s new jabroni-boyfriend quickly takes out a stout dwarf fighter. The audience turns its attention to the next two combatants: a large beefy hulk-meister, and to their surprise: a cleverly disguised Beauregard Shazam!
Tune in for the fight of the…session…Next time in the Exciting World of Wacky Rac—I mean, Discworld!