The Great A'Tuinment

Canonical Cannon Building

The sound of horse hooves was heard overhead as Caliban Shazam opened his eyes. A figure stepped off a flying white horse, dressed in a robe and holding a scythe…

Beauregard Shazam, meanwhile, was looking at the body of his dead brother, and implored Lord Vetinari to allow him time to give Caliban and Farcon their “last rites” with Deck as his priest. Less than a minute later, Deck had performed revivify on Caliban, but Farcon, poor Farcon, simply didn’t have the brains (or the head) to come back to the land of the living.

Despite the team’s best efforts to help Caliban escape, the Shazam Brother was too overcome with grief and fury to run, and was immediately taken into custody by Vetinari’s guards, for…another purpose. Some thank-yous and nifty items were bestowed upon the Told Ones, and Vetinari ordered Commander Vimes to round up the fleeing Breccia trolls and bring them to justice (but not before a heartfelt exchange with Declan), while Lord Explosario would spend the rest of his days in the dungeons…with the rest of the rats. The Golems returned to work, and a sense of order was beginning to fall upon the city once again.

The travel embargo finally lifted, the adventurers set about procuring passage to the Counterweight Continent and taking care of some last-minute business. First, they all headed to the Watch House to see about reviving the comatose head of the Thieves Guild, the lovely Andalicia Boggis, but to no avail. While Sen’dai communed with Marco Soto of the History Monks and attempted, to no avail, to locate Sandra Batteye, Dialyn went to do some research of her own regarding “people with pointy ears”…

During that time, Beau, Deck, & Loki headed to the Docks to check on the status of the Beggars’ Guild ship (spoiler: not good). It was then that Moist von Lipwig, alleged con man and confirmed head of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office (as well as the Bank and the Clacks) delivered some mail from Quirm: first, a notice for the next round of the Shazam Fighting Tournaments; next, a letter to Beau from B.S. Johnson informing him of his niece Phinelia‘s supposed disappearance; and finally, a private note for Sen’dai regarding…private stuff. Deck asked about any word from Pseudopolis, and learned that no mail had been going in or out, strangely enough…Deck then set about acquiring a ship, and the Beggars’ Guild was kind enough to loan the heroes some capital to pimp their ride with cannons. Of course, the gang spent most of the day arguing about the best way to mount said cannons.

The team regrouped at the Mended Drum for some farewell drinks and toasts, and the group tried to cheer Beau up. Mostly, he just drank. Later, Dialyn brought him to Lady Sybil’s Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons and got him a nice souvenir card…and the two also learned that their old draco-pal Oliver was once one of Lady Sybil’s rescues. She asked them to bring him home if they ever saw him again.

A couple of days later, the group headed back to the docks to begin their sea voyage, joined by the gender-ambivalent Cooper Porter and a crew of scurvy sea-dogs led by First Mate Jerry. Deck took the reins as Captain, while Dialyn sent Henry and Cooper to keep look-out from the mast. The ship set sail, and Loki spent her days fishing and helping keep the company fed. Sen’dai mostly vomited.

One night, as the Told Ones attempted to plot their next destination, Loki set out on her own to watch the waves and dream of home…As she sat, she noticed three lovely dolphins swimming alongside the ship, and went to talk with them. Surprised that she could understand them, they freaked out and dove underground, and a strange blue glow began emanating from the ocean’s depth.

Just then, Henry and Cooper sounded the alarm, as Sen’dai noticed a figure running across the water towards them…with a symbol of a Hare on his monk garb. As the crew raced to prepare for battle, a long, slimy tentacle crashed onto the boat, gripping both it, and the heroes, in terror…

The War for Ankh-Morpork (or Shazam! I Wish I Wasn't Your Brother)

The Told Ones entered the office of the Rockfather, well on their guard with the criminal kingpin of Ankh-Morpork , who seemed quite at-ease. The conversation started friendly enough, although the Rockfather refused to divulge much information besides confirming, eventually, that Lord Vetinari was indeed in his care (alive, and being treated well enough). However, further pushing from Sen’dai changed the troll’s demeanor to a bit more aggressive, despite Loki ’s melodic attempts at diplomacy. Some clever Suggesting on her part revealed that Vetinari was being stored in the Pork Futures meat locker, but upon revealing this information and ending the Suggestion spell, the Rockfather launched his brutal assault along with the red-eyed helmed figure and his troll henchmen.

Thinking quickly as ever, Loki turned the Rockfather into a harmless slug while the other fighters (including a newly-arrived Deck and Lord M) dealt with the rest of the trolls. Beau was almost felled by the mighty helmed man, who then ran off to secure the “asset” in the meat locker.

With the battle done, the team brought the Rockfather to the meat locker, only to discover a hole in the floor and nobody inside. Returned to his normal form, the Rockfather said that there had been no hole there previously and seemed shocked, saying he had to “contact his new associate”. Before the heroes could ascertain who this new associate was, a loud BANG rang out, and a hole appeared in the Rockfather’s head courtesy of Commander Vimes ’ ballistic-firing weapon. He was quickly revivified by Deck, although he had no memory of who he was (despite Beau trying to buddy up to him). Some harsh exchanges between the Told Ones & Vimes yielded only further discord between the two parties, ending with Vimes dragging the confused Rockfather off to the Watch House and telling the adventurers to stay out of his business.

Not to be swayed from their course, the group entered the hole in the warehouse, and found themselves in the underground remains of Old Ankh-Morpork, the original bones of the city upon which the current city had been built. Several footprints, some animal, some giant-sized, led the team to the outskirts of the city, after which the trail entered the River Ankh and disappeared, apparently heading back for the city. It was near dawn, and trumpets began to blare from the Palace…

Moving quickly, Sen’dai reentered the city to attend the Guild Council meeting, where Lord Rust announced that a surprise newcomer had just announced his candidacy for Patrician, a much better option, he said, than Dumbleweed. Sen’dai attempted to stall the vote, saying he knew that Vetinari was still alive, but others in the council (like Mr. Slant and Lord Explosario), were quick to shoot him down. The council voted heavily in favor of Rust’s new candidate.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Told Ones waited with the hordes of citizens on the Great Lawn of the Palace, when suddenly, Lord Rust and the Guild Council appeared to, at last, announce the end of the travel embargo and martial law, and the appointing of the new Patrician. As if on some pre-determined cue, the new leader of the city appeared on the balcony, arm-in-arm with his lovely new wife: Princess Keli!

Just then, Beau felt a familiar hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see the red-eyed helmed figure. Rust announced the new “Mayor”: Caliban Shazam, Beau’s own brother! It was then apparent that the helmed man was none other than Beau’s other brother, Farcon, who ushered Beau and the rest of the Told Ones into the Palace for Caliban’s Mayoral Ball.

There, the new Mayor announced several changes (some public, some private), like a dismantling of the City Watch (much to Vimes’ chagrin) in favor of a new Breccia-run law enforcement. He claimed he planned to do away with the stringent rules of Vetinari’s and bring upon a new, more open-minded age with no Guilds and an emphasis on making the city “shine on the outside like it does on the inside.” He then asked Beau to be his foreign ambassador, and Beau was all-too-happy to agree. Dialyn conversed with Princess Keli, who revealed that Caliban had won her over by explaining his abandoned plan to stage a fake kidnapping during her birthday party — a plan which Dialyn knew was not abandoned, but rather thwarted by her and her friends that same night!

Caliban then called for a toast, but before he could get far, a loud rumbling was heard from outside the ballroom, and Lord Explosario announced that something was coming…Caliban threw open the doors to reveal the entire Great Lawn surrounded by dozens, if not hundreds, of golems, as well as the entire Thieves’ Guild (led by their leader, Andalicia Boggis). Suddenly, from behind, a familiar voice said: “By all means, do not let me detain you” and the court jester unveiled himself as the formerly-missing Patrician: Lord Havelock Vetinari! Gasp!

Vetinari finally revealed the full scope of his plan: knowing that Caliban planned to overthrow him, he had Leonard da Quirm learn golem-control from the Quirmian Alchemists, creating the uber-powerful golem manual which he entrusted to the Told Ones to be brought back into the city. Vetinari then struck a deal with Andalicia Boggis, who ordered her Thieves to steal the book and return it to Vetinari’s clerk, Drumknott. The golems were then ordered to break Vetinari out, but they came up short at the Alchemist Guild since Explosario had previously had Vetinari moved to the Pork Futures Warehouse. Eventually, the golems were successful in breaking him out (as evidenced by the giant hole in the ground), but not in time to stop the vote and appointment of Caliban to Patrician. Vetinari apologized to the heroes for using them as pawns in his plan, insisting that they could not know he was alive for fear they would meddle and blow his cover before his golem army was ready to combat Caliban and his Breccia connections.

After some harsh exchanges between Caliban and Vetinari, a vicious battle ensued between Caliban and Vetinari. The Alchemist Guild and the Thieves Guild fought each other as the Breccia and golems went fist-to-fist on the Great Lawn. Inside the Palace, the Told Ones battled a battle-armored Lord Explosario, all the while attempting to create some sort of compromise. Lord Rust managed to disarm Vimes of his firing weapon, and Caliban attempted to use it to murder Sen’dai, but was stopped via a last-second rescue by Sandra, who then went after the devious Mr. Slant. The heroes did away with Explosario and most of his Alchemists while the Thieves took care of the rest, and the golems overpowered the Breccia, but unfortunately not before Andalicia Boggis was incapacitated and captured by the last remaining trolls. Meanwhile, Farcon brought Dialyn near death, but was suddenly beheaded by the dual Assassin team of Lord Downey and Lord Vetinari, who then demanded Caliban’s surrender. Enraged, the Shazam Brother attacked his own brother, but was soundly defeated…with a vital stab through the heart by a distraught Beau. And with that, the War for Ankh-Morpork was ended.

With the battlefield littered with bodies, what would become of the city, the Shazams, and our heroes? Stay tuned to find out!

Murder Ploys & Boffo Toys

A dejected Beau tried to sort out his feelings by himself after being told to, essentially, go fuck himself by his buddy Sen’dai. A heart-to-heart with a prostitute, some soul-searching, buying flowers for Mrs. Cake, and sleeping in a chimney seemed to give him some perspective, but there was no more time for emotions! A mysterious helmed figure with red eyes was seen skulking around with some trolls, so Beau gave chase, unable to locate the creature.

Meanwhile, the Told Ones left U.U. in pursuit of the Alchemists, making their way (sneakily) into Lord Explosario ’s office. Some invisible knives and angry threats later, Lord E admitted he had been contacted by the Rockfather, the Kingpin of the Troll Mafia AKA Breccia, to poison Lord Vetinari and abscond with his (still-alive!) body. Although he did not know the Breccia HQ exact location, Lord E gave enough hints for Dialyn to research the answer in her Ankh-Morpork Guidebook and find the place: an abandoned building down by the river called Pork Futures Warehouse.

Beau eventually caught up with Sen’dai, who was heading off to his date with Sandra Batteye, but was quickly told, again, to, essentially, fuck off. He apologized and met the ladies at a strange store called “Boffo”, run by a witch named Mrs. Proust, who sold them some…interesting…items. They then got into a bar fight at a troll bar because Dialyn can’t hold her liquor (literally).

Sen’dai found Sandra outside a large manor house in the Dolly Sisters neighborhood, and the two managed to sexily infiltrate “Gravid R’s” house, finding the young nobleman bathing in his room. Some research and interrogation techniques revealed that Gravid, who it turned out is the son of Lord Rust, had been paying to have Twiling‘s boys bathe him, and that was all Sen’dai needed. He left the choice in Sandra’s hands, but the Bat decided to show “mercy” and simply scar the deviant, so that he could be used as leverage against his father Lord Rust. Dropping the bloodied and trembling Gravid at his father’s feet in the Oblong Office, Sen’dai struck a bargain: he would keep the boy’s secret in exchange for a seat at tomorrow’s Guild Council Meeting. Lord Rust eventually, and reluctantly, agreed.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group made their way to Pork Futures, casing the joint until they were rejoined by Sen’dai. Using some information from their psychic friend Mrs. Cake, they (mostly) guessed the password to get in: five knocks, followed by answering the troll doorman by saying, “Mr. Shine, Him Diamond.” The large warehouse contained only a handful of trolls playing a strange dice game (which Dialyn and Beau attempted rather poorly to join in on), and an office on the 2nd floor, out of which emerged the enormous troll in a pristine suit: The Rockfather. After him came the red-eyed figure Beau had seen earlier, who announced: “The Rockfather wants to see you.”

But who exactly is this fancy-ass troll, and what are his motives? Find out next time!

Nobody Beats the Wiz(ards)

Having defeated the brain-sucky Mindflayer with some last-second assistance from an otherworldly creature’s arm via a portal created by Dialyn, The Told Ones continued through the winding maze that was Unseen University, bringing along their new friend “Ghost-in-a-Jar” (AKA the spirit of the 1st Archchancellor of U.U. Alberto Malich) for the ride. They quickly realized that in order to escape, they needed to take the staircases in an order: this corresponded to nearby portraits of the University’s 6 Archchancellors. Conversing with Modo the Dwarf Gardener, and reading some letters by the school’s faculty (along with some other clever deductions), the team was able to figure out the chronology.

Along the way, they found themselves bombarded by magical books in U.U.‘s famous library, quelled only when a magical phrase from the mightiest of the library’s books, the Octavo, was uttered. The heroes also stumbled upon Ponder Stibbons’ creations: the Cabinet of Curiosity (which popped out 3 very ornery small blue men who attacked immediately and seemed rather intent on harming Dialyn) and Hex (his magical/scientific thinking machine). A few carefully laid magical traps thwarted their efforts for a while, including a fireball which turned Henry into KFO, and caused Dialyn to storm off and get herself good and lost in the maze. Oh, and there was this suspicious piece of luggage which attempted to eat Loki’s Mage Hands, but was really just trying to get out of a broom closet.

They discovered rooms belonging to Professor of Necromantic Studies Hicks (spelled with an X, of course), the Librarian, the former Dean (now Archchancellor at the U.U. branch in Pseudopolis), Ponder Stibbons, the Bursar (who had some delicious drugs which Dialyn took to soothe the pain of temporarily losing Henry), the students of the University (which they decidedly did NOT loot – students need all the cash they can get, after all), and finally, Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully himself. This room held the key to the cafeteria, where the group found their captors.

An extended shitty apology from Ridcully led to some useful knowledge: the book the Librarian THOUGHT was stolen was not, in fact, Lord M’s Tome of Flames, but rather its companion book, the Tome of [[Tome of Frost/Tome of Souls | Frost]], which was essentially a portal to a dimension “much worse than Hell”. This book was entrusted to the Librarian by the Hogfather himself, as he thought his life was in danger, and was since stolen, presumably by “R.S.” as indicated by the letter Henry found. Deducing this to be Reg Shoe, the undead member of the Watch, the Told Ones pressed the wizards for information, learning that before he was a zombie, Reg hailed from the Counterweight Continent. Ridcully implored the heroes to find the book, saying they had an “agent” already exploring Counterweight Continent. Meanwhile, the Librarian, clad in giant snow boots and such, set off looking for the Hogfather himself.

As recompense for the misunderstanding and advance thanks for their help, the wizards led Loki to the Cabinet of Curiosity to procure some magical items, and allowed Dialyn to query Hex a single question (which is super secret). Just before parting, Deck asked Hicks (with an X) to teleport him to and from Lancre so that he could get his upgraded armor and speak to Nanny Ogg.

With only half a day left before the announcement of the new Patrician, The Told Ones have many questions left unanswered, like how many STDs Beau has caught in the interim, and also, what the Alchemists’ Guild was doing with that body bag and who the figures were who took it. Hopefully one of those questions would lead our stalwart adventurers to the location of Lord Vetinari in time to restore stability to the city, before they set out on their next grand adventure.


Beggars Can Be Choosers

Sen’dai led the battle-worn Told Ones to the home of the original Beggars’ Guild: an enormous but dilapidated mansion in the Shades. There had gathered members of the Guild old and new, young and old, as well as Mrs. Palm, the Canting Crew, and Mrs. Cake. The Told Ones brought in the now-paralyzed Queen Molly, as well as Sandra, both of whom had some questions to answer.

The group had an extended conversation about the future of the Guild, and who would lead it in Sen’dai’s absence. The ultimate decision was that former-beggar-turned-vagabond Duck Man would be the best candidate, and he somewhat-reluctantly accepted the position, with the support of his crew, and the finances of the Guild itself. For her part, Mrs. Palm offered the therapeutic help of her Seamstresses in rehabilitating the many brainwashed children, while Mrs. Cake volunteered to find homes for the orphans in the meantime. Queen Molly was persuaded to give up the names of the noblemen who had been making use of Twiling‘s “services”, and Sen’dai appointed Sandra — upset that she would not head the Guild herself — the task of hunting down the ol’ pervs and giving them the Queen’s Justice (with a sharp poisoned seamstress’ needle). Dialyn, however, remained suspicious.

The Guild also informed Sen’dai that the Guild Council, meeting in a day and a half, were rumored to be announcing their new Patrician right after the meeting, and the front runner was none other than former- Pseudopolis Mayor Dumbleweed (as confirmed by his many posters across the city proclaiming to " Make Ankh-Morpork Great For Once ". Mrs. Palm warned Sen’dai that she would have a hard time convincing Lord Rust, interim head of the Council, to allow Sen’dai to attend this important meeting.

With the support of the Beggars and with the children looked after, the group moved on to the difficult task of delivering the corpse of Nobby Nobbs back to Commander Vimes of the Watch. Vimes was non-too-pleased to say the least, needing a good deal of persuasion from Declan to leave his office in one piece. Deck promised to make everything right in time, but Vimes was clearly perturbed, to say the least… The group then waited as Deck flew around the entire city, attempting to magically locate the Patrician.

Meanwhile, Dialyn, who had spent the whole night searching unsuccessfully for Henry, caught up on some rest and finally re-summoned her owl friend in the morning. He told her that the deliverer of the previous day’s “Sausage Message” had been a small fellow who had then returned to the Small Gods area. The next message, addressed to “My King”, read: “Retrieved tome from the ape, returning home now” and was signed R.S. Henry managed to track the sender to a boat on the docks, which left for parts unknown. Dialyn, believing the “ape” to be Unseen University’s gorilla Librarian, ventured there on her own.

Back at the Watch House, Sen’dai & Loki found Gaspode the talking dog, who had half of Lord Vetinari’s cane in his mouth. According to the Guild of Dogs, some trolls and a “large fella” had carried a person-sized sack from the Alchemists’ Guild, headed “downtown”. He also let them know that the new-ish head of the Thieves’ Guild, Andalacia Boggis (sister to the former head) had a new benefactor, who was paying so much it convinced the Thieves to break their own bylaws. The Thieves would rather die than give up this patron; Gaspode said this was likely a dead-end for now. He also had little luck finding the Kingpin, but he was rumored to be based somewhere at the “bottom” edge of town.

Deck turned up mostly empty-handed, saying that the only faint trace he detected was in the Shades area headed outside the city. Vetinari, it seemed, was no longer within the city confines (though he had been recently). The group waited for Dialyn, who had not yet returned, and decided to find her in the Wizards’ Quarter.

Once there, they were immediately attacked with a deluge of fireballs from above, and saw Archchancellor Ridcully and several of his wizards floating on disks overhead. Ridcully demanded the return of “the tome”, and his assistant, Ponder Stibbons, used his thaum-o-meter to point out that the group did indeed have the book in question, although the “elemental aspect seemed polarized from ice to fire”. Dialyn, meanwhile, had hidden from the assault, attempting to use Henry to get the book out of range.

However, the team was then flanked by a very angry Librarian, and the heroes had to fight their way out. They were soon overpowered, however, and Loki, in a last-ditch effort, summoned Lord M from his Tome of Flames — a move which surprised even the Archchancellor, who didn’t believe Lord M to be from “that place”. Despite their best efforts, The Told Ones were taken prisoner by means of suffocation in a magical Forcecage, and brought to an interrogation room of sorts within the bowels of Unseen University, home of the wizards. There they awoke to found themselves in varying degrees of imprisonment: from magical chains to cages with incendiary clouds inside, and of course: Tiny Deck.

Ridcully and Ponder grilled the heroes, who plead innocence to deaf ears…and hungry stomachs, as the lunch bell rang and their captors went off to have lunch. This presented the adventurers with an opportunity to escape, which they did by means of teleportation and…door opening. Heading down a winding staircase, the group found a nervous “candle dribbler” named Mr. Smeems, who dropped some pretty cool objects before running away. At the foot of the staircase was a small room with shelves, upon which were several jars. A glowing green entity contained within one of the jars spoke, announcing itself as Alberto Malich, first Archchancellor at U.U. He warned the heroes of the labyrinthine halls of the dungeon in which they were attempting to escape from, emphasizing the love Wizards have for history and tradition and further cautioning them to proceed with…well, caution.

Doing the exact opposite, The Told Ones wandered straight into the Office of the Dean of Necromantic Studies (Doctor Hicks…with an X) and were immediately accosted by a summoned mind flayer, which attempted to suck out Dialyn’s brains. It would have succeeded if not for the aid of her teammates, and the flayer was slayer’ed in due course.

Now, with the entire maze dungeon of Unseen University to traverse, the heroes would have to fight their way through the magical puzzle in order to prove their innocence and gain back the wizards’ trust, with little time left over to locate the missing Patrician before his replacement were to be announced…

What a Trash-hole

Surrounded by dozens of creepy kids, the heroes seemed trapped, until their old hobo friends, the Canting Crew, used their stench to incapacitate the poor little wretches. Then, making their way through a trap-laden dungeon, The Told Ones emerged relatively unscathed in the belly of the beast: Twiling‘s lair. After another villainous monologue (in which Twiling reveals to Sen’dai/Jarek that he knows the truth about his parents), Queen Molly stepped out: she was the traitor after all! In her grasp was Sandra, who had disappeared in the earlier fracas, held hostage.

The Told Ones sprung into action, fighting off mesmerized children while trying to climb the mountain of trash and gold upon which the dastardly duo stood. It was a heated battle, and in the fray, Dialyn poisoned Sandra, still believing her to be dangerous/treacherous.

Eventually, Beau and Sen’dai accomplished a one-two combo on Twiling, and the monster exploded in a violent watery burst, a fitting end to such a diabolical lunatic. In the aftermath, Deck questioned Dialyn, and the group fell into various states of argument and emotion, until Duck Man and his Canting Crew returned to suggest they bring all the prisoners and corpses back to the Seamstress’ Guild.

Once there, Mrs. Palm was distraught over the apparent murder of her ward Sandra, and the betrayal of Queen Molly (not to mention Twiling’s viscera splayed everywhere), and demanded justice in the form of blood. Deck and Sen’dai talked her down from murdering Molly in cold blood, suggesting instead that they hand her over to the Watch to await trial. Sandra was magically revived, and pleaded her own innocence.

Now, the Told Ones are left with a Beggars’ Guild without a leader, hundreds of brainwashed children, Nobby‘s corpse, Molly and Sandra’s futures, and of course the fate of the Patrician, all hanging in the balance…With so much left unanswered, will our heroes be able to put Ankh-Morpork back together before Dumbleweed seizes control?!

You’ve Got To Kick a Child or Two, Boys

Sen’dai stood face-to-face with his childhood nemesis, Twiling: the head of the Beggars’ Guild, and proprietor of the slave trade the heroes had previously stumbled upon. After revealing an uneasy alliance with Captain Jack and his PirateZ Crew (who help him smuggle children into Ankh-Morpork during the travel embargo), Twiling attempted to form a partnership with Sen’dai, asking him for his help in finding Lord Vetinari and lifting the embargo. Sen’dai immediately punched Twiling in the face.

His team (joined once again by Loki and Deck) joined the fray, and while Twiling disappeared in a puff of smoke, his “lovely little street rats” emerged from the rafters to cause havoc, all while singing a creepy tune in a language only Beau seemed to understand. While the odds were not in their favor, the Told Ones received some assistance from The Bat, who took out several of the children using her poison knitting needles: a clue as to her identity. Dialyn went to investigate, discovering that this mysterious vigilante was Sandra Batteye, one of the actual seamstresses in Mrs. Palm’s Seamstress Guild.

After the battle was won, Deck attempted to interrogate one of the seemingly-mind-controlled children, who kept gesturing towards a spot on the floor, which Sen’dai quickly revealed to be a trap door with a strange knocker on it. After some clever thinking, the team deduced the riddle of the knocker, and the door was opened, leading down into a murky cavern. Sandra, after being scolded by the team for murdering helpless children, implored them to regroup with her at the Seamstress Guild. They complied, bringing their new captive with them.

Once there, the adventurers discovered Mrs. Palm in tears, looking worse for the wear. She explained: while Sandra and the Told Ones were investigating Slant’s, Twiling had paid her a visit and absconded with Queen Molly! Mrs. Palm asked for some time to gather her allies, and the team took some much-needed rest. Meanwhile, her girls went to work trying to recuperate the young beggar boy, Cooper Porter.

The next day, they found Dibbler and discovered another secret message in his sausage: “Retrieved V from Palace. May need to move him. Will update on progress. ~E”. The plot thickened, so Dialyn sent Henry to find the next message while the party split up to take care of business.

First up, Sen’dai went to the Temple of the History Monks, where the local chapter head, Marco Soto, helped him commune with the Abbot. Sen’dai was asked to return the Eternal Hourglass, but said he could not. Marco Soto then told him to return once his “present was no longer buried in his past.”

Meanwhile, Loki and Deck were visited by Constable Downspout, gargoyle member of the Watch, who told them the Thieves’ Guild was responsible for stealing their Manual of Golems, and to talk to Adora Belle Dearheart at the Golem Trust. He also reminded them that the last time the golems revolted, it had something to do with the government; perhaps Lord Rust was behind this all. The two spoke to Mrs. Dearheart, who said that a clerk of sorts had come in to place an order for 100 golems (which she could not fill), and then left in a huff. She also gave the heroes a new Chem, which read “Save each other. Save yourselves” and may be able to override the power controlling them (only in close range, however).

Dialyn went on her own to visit Lord Downey at the Guild of Assassins, to find out how Sandra had gotten those poison for her needles. Downey admitted that some had been taken, and gave Dialyn some poison of her own, hopefully to use against a target for her initiation into the Guild.

On their way back to the Seamstress Guild, the group reconvened to find posters with a very familiar silhouette claiming he wanted to “Make Ankh-Morpork Great For Once”. It seemed there was a contender for the Patrician’s position, and he was being backed by the Guild Council, as the poster was endorsed by Lord Rust himself.

Back at Mrs. Palm’s, the group hatched a plan to make a direct assault on Twiling’s underground base of operations, using some form of distraction, which Mrs. Palm promised she would supply. Nobby Nobbs offered his help as well, and the Told Ones, along with Sandra, headed back down to the cavern.

They were quickly surrounded by dozens and dozens of children, and a verbose Twiling, who indicated that there was a traitor among them who had been giving him intel. He claimed it to be none other than Nobby, who denied the charges, but was cut short (literally) by a knife in the back courtesy of Twiling. With his dying breath, he insisted he “ain’t no rat”, and pointed at Sandra.

Oh, That Beau!

High-jinks ensued as The Told Ones ventured towards the Peppermint Hippo and Seamstress Guild (on a hint from Sergeant Colon at the Watch HQ). Mesmerized by a super-foxy troll singer at the lounge, the group failed to detect a head-clobbering from two buckle-filled purses courtesy of the Agony Aunts, Dotsie & Sadie, who brought them before Mrs. Rosemary Palm, head of the Seamstress Guild.

There, Beau tried to murder a bunch of hookers (when they’re dead they’re just hookers) while Sen’dai advanced the plot and found out that Mrs. Palm had been harboring the apparently-not-dead Queen Molly (former head of the Guild of Beggars) and the two planned to overthrow the dastardly Twiling, whose boy-sex-trade was really not cool. Eventually, everyone reconvened at the lounge and after some in-fighting, made their way (kind of) to the Guild of Lawyers.

There, Sen’dai intimidated the fuck out of Mr. Slant’s nerdy clerk, and convinced the poor sap to let them into Mr. Slant’s shady office in the Shades to find out “everything they needed to know” about Slant’s operations with Twiling. On the way out, an enormous explosion was heard, and the group found the Guild of Alchemists under siege by some rebellious golems.

After a heated battle and some last-minute help from the cavalry (led by Commander Vimes), the team spoke with guild head Lord Explosario III, who informed the team that the only way to control this many golems was with the Golem Manual, which the team then realized was missing from their backpack. They got some cool discounts on potions and went on their way…

…back to the Shades to meet Slant’s clerk, who let them into the offices. There, they found the file they were seeking, but unfortunately, all the pages were blank. Slant then revealed himself and launched into a well-prepared script, leading into the big reveal: that his nebbish clerk was, this whole time, Twiling in disguise!


Making Assassins Out Of Ourselves

The team not-so-stealthily entered the Assassins’ Guild, claiming to want to join their ranks. Dialyn attempted to sneak in invisibly, but was quickly discovered. They managed to gain audience with Lord Downey, head of the Assassins, who claimed that neither he nor any member of his Guild (to his knowledge) had anything to do with Lord Vetinari’s disappearance. He took an interest in the gang’s desire to possibly join their ranks in some form, but the adventurers decided to move on.

Next stop was The Mended Drum, a bar of ill-repute, for some fact-finding. Amidst a chaotic-yet-beautifully-choreographed bar brawl, the heroes managed to meet a talking dog named Gaspode, who informed them that they should try and track down Mr. Slant, the zombie-lawyer (that is, a zombie who is also a lawyer, not, as it were, a lawyer for zombies) — who Gaspode believed had knowledge of where the Beggars’ Guild was. He also made mention of some kind of crime kingpin. The plot thickens.

Another tip led The Told Ones to the undead bar Biers, where the helpful barman Igor gave up the location of Mr. Slant’s new law offices in the Shades. After some surprisingly-peaceful mingling with some of the bar’s undead buddies, and a strange vision in Beau’s mind of a room with a circle of empty chairs, the group set off for home…all except Sen’dai and Henry the owl, who tried to case Mr. Slant’s.

Using his awesome cloak to turn into a bat, Sen’dai investigated the location along with his rainbow-colored owl friend, and found the zombie hard at work at some documents, including a ship manifesto detailing the slave passengers aboard The Dredger. Henry managed to abscond with the document, seemingly without notice, and delivered it to his master, who noticed a familiar name mentioned at Biers: Reg Shoe. Meanwhile, Sen’dai was invited in by Mr. Slant, but decided not to take him up on the offer, opting instead to regroup with the team for some much needed rest, and to make a plan to confront the lawyer about the whereabouts of the Beggars’ Guild…among other things.

Splitting Up: Always A Good Idea

The Told Ones find themselves face-to-face with a bunch of pirates, who turn out to also be zombies and led by the pepperoni-smelling Captain Jack S’Barros. Loki and Lord M teleport to the ship, where they are taken prisoner and thrown overboard almost immediately. The rest of the team manages to defeat the remaining pirates and rescue their fallen comrades from the treacherous brine.

The Told Ones then ask around at the docks for more information. No one seems to know anything about the mysterious slave trade going on, but someone suggests they check out the Mended Drum…However, there is soon a near-civil-war as Deck and Beau hash out the whole “you killed my wife, you pyro bastard” thing.

Meanwhile, the group splits up to run some errands; always the hallmark of an exciting DnD adventure. The boys head to the “Underground Maul” underneath Burleigh & Stronginthearm’s dwarven weapon shop, where they encounter Madame Sharn and her mysterious black-market magic-weapon shop. Unfortunately, they are met with some resistance in the form of the cousins of the Duergars which the heroes left to rot back in the mountains, and a vicious encounter ensues. Victorious, the team purchases some cool crap, sells some less-cool crap, and moves on.

Lord M & Dialyn head to the temple of Blind Io, trying to find a home for the little orphan baby, but in true Lord M fashion just burn the place to the ground and gain some new followers. Dialyn tries to sell the baby to the Merchants’ Guild, but buys a guide book instead.

They all reconvene at Mrs. Cake’s and have her do some readings, which of course are very private and personal and not to be repeated in a public forum. How dare you.

With several leads but no clear answers yet, The Told Ones venture towards the Assassins’ Guild in search of more clues…


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