The Great A'Tuinment

Session 12
DEATH and What Comes Next

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Having survived the chaos at Princess Keli ‘s Birthday Bash, The Told Ones groggily wake up the next day and head for Susan Sto Helit’s Learning Through Play School, a wacky place where the kids are actually immersed right into their adventures. Where were these field trips when I was a kid?! Bronx Zoo, how about a trip to the actual ocean depths? That’s how our heroes meet Susan, flying in on a magic yellow coach through a portal to the sea. But first they have the pleasure of encountering the DEATH of Rats and his talkative companion, Quoth the Raven (hey, I didn’t write it…) who are also looking for Susan.

She seems reluctant to talk at first, but eventually reveals that she can stop time and is in fact the granddaughter of DEATH. The Told Ones ask if she can decipher the Faerune, but she is unable, and eventually tells the heroes “there’s someone you should meet.” She then opens a portal to DEATH’s dimension, a strange vacuum of a world with no sensory feelings whatsoever, where, to the adventurers’ surprise, they are met not with DEATH himself, but with his ancient butler Albert, who allows them to explore the premises. He also informs them that DEATH has not reported back or been keeping up his schedule, yet for some reason there seems to be even MORE death on the Disc as of late. Albert, despite his best efforts, cannot get in contact with his master or his horse-riding apocalyptic pals. Our heroes agree to help find DEATH (somewhere where there is an abundance of death), and Quoth and Death of Rats say they will be on the case as well. The Told Ones then explore DEATH’s chambers and notice some names in his schedule-of-deaths, including Arima, Marquis de Sod, and Vetinari, among others. However, the last entry checked off was for something called a “MILLENNIAL AUDIT” on April 15th.

Returning back to reality and thanking Susan for her help, The Told Ones buy some disguises and finally set off on horse-back (thanks to Princess Keli) for Ankh-Morpork. On the way, they meet Senior Postman Groat, who hands them a message of dire urgency from Lord Vetinari telling them to return to the city at once. Groat promptly dies from exhaustion, and his parrot companion flies off squawking “TRUST ME! TRUST ME!” before Deck managed to revive the fallen postman. There are no coaches, riders, and train passengers in or out of the city, but the adventurers do discover some bandits (the same ones they had encountered briefly on their way out of the city) hiding in an abandoned Clacks Tower. A brief skirmish results in several more unwarranted murders for the “good guys” to add to their list, as they leave the pitiful men broke and injured before heading to the city gates. An annoying conversation with a couple of guards, in conjunction with the seal on the letter from the Patrician, gains them access to the city, where they see many armed military men and people more nervous than usual. Ankh-Morpork is under Martial Law!

A copy of the Ankh-Morpork Times reveals that the Patrician has not been heard from, and Lord Rust has taken command of the city. The Wizards are complaining about a missing book, there’s trouble with the travel embargo, the golems are acting funny, and Mrs. Sybil Ramkin can’t seem to find her “dargons”. The heroes head to the Patrician’s Palace in search of answers, where a huge crowd is shouting for Vetinari. With a little help from William de Worde and the vampiric Otto Chriek of the Times, The Told Ones manage to get past the guards and enter, using some “clever” diversion tactics thanks to Loki to navigate to Vetinari’s chambers.

There they encounter Vetinari’s clerk Drumknott, who said his master had gone missing weeks ago and now his body is missing. Just as the adventurers are interrogating the poor sap, Commander Vimes and the Watch bust in, placing the heroes under arrest. A battle ensues, while Deck tries to keep the peace and his partners completely ignore him. Finally, Deck creates a massive sleet storm to end the fight, and the group agrees to go with Vimes to the Watch House while their letter and manual are examined and questions are asked.

While at the Watch House, the heroes meet one of the convicts they had released from the prison weeks ago, who was again jailed, having confessed to the murder of the Patrician. Vimes quickly reveals this to be a lie (even though the group seems to COMPLETELY believe him), saying he’s probably taking the fall for someone. Vimes’ forsenic scientist Cheery the (female!) dwarf proves Vetinari’s seal NOT to be a forgery, and the group is released. Vimes appears exhausted, saying the Watch is spread thin dealing with all the problems (and without two of his best coppers, Captain Carrot & Sergeant Angua), and even tells the heroes that they can be honorary Watchmen, and to look out for the gargoyle Watch-spy network headed by Constable Downspout, who can feed them intel. Before they head out, Sen’dai encounters Nobby Nobbs, who suggests they check out Lord Downey at the Guild of Assassins. Sen’dai realizes he recognizes Nobby, but from where…

As the group heads into the sketchiest part of town known as The Shades, they feel the shadows moving around them, and a sinister chuckle rise from behind the dumpsters…

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Session 11
The Gang Crashes A Birthday Party

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Before departing from Lancre for Princess (Queen) Keli‘s birthday party, the Told Ones learned that children from the town were disappearing in large numbers, mostly boys, but also the princess, daughter of King Verence and Queen Magrat, but unfortunately the next available train to Sto Lat would not leave until the next day, and they would miss the celebration. Desperate not to miss a good shindig, the Told One’s decided, hey, those children will still be missing when we get back to Lancre, amirite, let’s PARTY!

The Told Ones journeyed by train to Sto Lat for Princess Keli’s party, and in the absence of any external disasters, the Told Ones themselves wrought mayhem on the train: Loki with her horse who pooped in the train, Declan with his fast and erratic driving of the train, Beau with his cheating for Dialyn‘s sake at cards in an attempt to impress her, and then their and Sen’dai’s beating of the gamblers who just wanted a fair game. With heroes like these, amirite? The group also learned about Old Stump, which is Rimward and full of bugbear bandits.

Once in Sto Lat (which looks like Paris but smells like cabbage) the gang encountered Slit-Me-Own-Neck Dibbleaux, who proffered “cabbausages” (or sauSAGE cabBAGE). Upon Beau’s great insistence, everybody tried one, and almost everybody (a’hem, Deck) was able to keep them down. Dibbler told them that if ever the entire group was all together able to stomach his (or any of his cousins’) sausages, they would be privy to the secret of some great big sausage thing, I don’t know, it seemed weird and, like, who really wants it anyway, but there it is.

The group learned that fancy dress would be required for entry to the party, and so they went to a fancy clothing shop and those that needed them bought fancy clothes. Declan then went off to look for toads in the woods. It was gross and took a while, but he did it. He began to doubt the necessity of the witches’ strange requests. Dialyn and Loki went to the castle to acquire invitations to the party. There they scoped the lay of the land and set up sound equipment for Loki’s performance. Sen’dai and Beau paid a visit to Beau’s old fighting school, the Academy of Battlemasters. Did we mention Beau is classically trained? Yes? Well he’s ALSO classically trained. There they encountered Beau’s old teacher, Master Lewis, who informed them that the Consensual Rapier has been stolen and currently resides in Klatch. Beau’s old rivals, Stephen Serendipity and Ricardo Imperfecto, were racist assholes to our heroes, who then challenged said assholes to a dual, but quickly learned that not all battles are easily won.

The group reconvened, and Declan received a Clacks from his honorable Mayor Donkeyteeth, Esq. of Pseudopolis, stating that the Marquis de Sod had never made it to town, to which Declan responded by sending another Clacks to Duke Rodley of Quirm asking for clarification. The Told Ones then entered the party, which was attended by a vast array of colorful characters from around the Disc. Representatives from Tsort and Ephebe (Athens and Troy) were placed at tables across the room from each other but still made evil eyes at each other the whole time since they are at war over a very beautiful woman (DEFINITELY not named Helen), as was the case for the Uberwaldian werewolves (head family of the pack is Sgnt. Angua of the Anhk-Morpork City Watch. Her brother Wolfgang is itching for war with the…) and vampires (Count Redeyes, who abruptly left after receiving some unfortunate news, and Lady Margolotta, who was disheartened by the absence of a great old friend of hers from the party, a friend of high stature from Anhk-Morpork). Other contingents included a man with eyeliner and an ornate headdress from Djelibeybi (Egypt); Madame Butterfly from the Counterweight Continent (Asia) who Sen’dai gleaned seemed like she might also be aware that the Order of the Hare is attempting to lead A’Tuin astray; Lord Rust and guards from Anhk-Morpork, who mentioned Lord Vetinari had not been showing up to his typical obligations, and explained that the trains were no longer running to Anhk-Morpork because they had closed their borders due to a sudden large influx of people; King Verence and Queen Magrat, who were very distraught over the disappearance of their daughter, and accompanied by a witch-ish lady from Genua; two mates from XXXX getting pissed, wearing shark teeth necklaces and big hats, who may as well have been riding dingos; two people documenting the scene from the Anhk-Morpork Times; Duke Rodley of Quirm, who informed Declan that the Marquis de Sod had been dispatched weeks ago, and that a spate of disappearances along the route he was to take had been occurring; a group of religious-looking men with pamphlets; a group of dwarves with ornate armor and long beards; and an empty table from Pseudopolis. Whew…

Dialyn snuck around the castle, where she found her way to Queen Keli’s chambers. Armed with her knowledge of sewing and very clever and obedient rainbow-feathered owl, she helped to mend Keli’s dress and get her ready for the party, whose attendees had been growing very weary since food would not be served until Keli arrived. The group then skill-challenged the shit out of the party, preparing the guest of honor and quelling the mob from rioting. Keli made her grand entrance, and as per Sto Latian tradition, served dessert first in the form of a large Ferrari cake, which is way better than an Acura cake, let me tell you. Queen Keli was so happy at how well the party went off, she rewarded the Told Ones with gold, magic items, and each with a free voucher for any fancy article of clothing at any shop in the kingdom that they should desire. That is, of course, in addition to the mystical “Faerune” stone given to them by Magrat, which may hold the key to finding her daughter…but, as all good Side Quests go, can only be deciphered by a powerful cosmic being.

Sen’dai also tracked some thieves leaving the scene headed for Ankh-Morpork, and the Told Ones finally left the party and got some rest. They ventured the next day to the “Learning Through Play” School which Keli had told them was run by the daughter of her dear deceased friends Mort & Ysabell, and as they approached the front door, Beau deciphered the Latin-esque inscription on the door (did we mention he’s classically trained??):

Don’t Fear The Reaper.

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Session 10
The Adventures of Flame-o the Clown

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With Wyrmberg behind them, The Told Ones venture forth towards the next train stop, finding a bunch of groggy train passengers waking up, claiming they had all fallen asleep and woken up safe and sound. Deck sends for word from Pseudopolis via a " clacks ", a super-efficient messaging system which can transmit words and even images across great distances using a series of semaphore towers across much of the continent. Almost like some form of electronic mail. Who woulda thunk?

The train chugs on, finally arriving back in Lancre, where the group goes back to meet with the witches. Granny Weatherwax is found comatose, but it is figured that she has “borrowed” the mind of a raven, which leads them to Nanny Ogg, who goes off with Deck to do…something newtish. The rest of the heroes commune with another of the witches, Agnes (or is it Perdita?) who, despite her multiple personalities, tells the team that the Order of the Hare is an ancient group of “anti-druids” bent on destroying all life, and their leadership and numbers have been growing as of late, due mostly to the fact that most people on the Disc are a bunch of arseholes.

She further explains that if the group can successfully locate all 4 sets of the Sands of Time, they will delay the interrupted druidic ritual of tossing A’Tuin into the Red Comet until next year’s Hogswatchnight, at which point the timeline will “reset” and their ability to control the giant sky turtle will end. Yay! Now we know what the mission is for!

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and in rushes town blacksmith (and one of Nanny Ogg’s many kin) Shawn…or is it Jason…Ogg. He summons the group to the castle, but Loki and Deck remain behind to do some armor-smithing and maybe canoodling? The journey via horseback to Lancre Castle is brief, although Dialyn trots off for Io-Know-Where, and the remaining adventurers find Lancre in a state of grief. Some creepy clowning on the part of Lord M, and some regular only-semi-creepy questioning on the part of Sen’dai, reveal that the children in the town are slowly going missing. The town guard (yes, singular), Jason (Shawn??) Ogg tells them that worst yet, the toddler princess Esmeralda is among those kidnapped, and that they must seek out Verence the Fool King at the birthday party over in Sto Lat for more info (and deliver a real book of erotic fantasy to prove who they are).

Checking inside the castle, Sen’dai uses his history monk-ness to ascertain that a small shadowy figure arrived in the night via a strange glamorous portal and absconded with the baby through the window, but not before bending the iron gating and leaving bits of seared flesh behind. Children in the town, mesmerized by Lord M’s balloons and the group’s general “diplomacy”, reveal that there has been a strange fellow named Irling, or Twirling, or Irvos (they can’t seem to remember what) beckoning them to a part of the woods known only as the “Dancers”. Many of the children never return.

The group ventures back to meet Deck and Loki at the train station to decide their next move, reuniting with Dialyn along the way…along with a pair of hill giants, a horde of bullywugs, and worst of all…one of Blind Io’s rogue beholders! A vicious battle ensues, but with some quick thinking and epic teamwork, the heroes prevail, bringing the beholder back to his senses. He tells them they now have “eyes” on this region of the world. Bully for them.

But will the group have time to figure out the mystery of the missing kiddies before they must leave for Sto Lat and the pretty-pretty-princess party? What new information will the King have for them? And what the hell did Deck need that newt for?!

All this and more: next time!

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Session 9
Upside-Down Cage Match

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With half the group frozen in stone by the medusa-esque woman called Liessa Wyrmbidder, the outcome began to look grim indeed. Chastising our heroes for murdering the “innocent” red shadow dragon, mother to Oliver and mate to Errol, the Queen demands the Told Ones offer up their lives in exchange. She will, however, give the “dragon-lover” among them a fighting chance, and pits Beau against her top fighter, the dwarf barbarian who had come running out earlier: Erig Stronginthearm.

As Beau is lifted off the ground by Oliver (and Erig by Errol), Liessa cackles and sends her forces after the rest of the party. Meanwhile, Dialyn is confronted by a bugbear guard, whom she promptly disposes of, tripping over the unconscious Loki on her way back to the big fight. The ladies enter the fray to see Deck and Beau fighting for their lives, surrounded by a dozen Wyrmbergers. They offer some magical assistance, and quickly turn the tide of the battle, prompting Liessa herself to enter the fray.

High above on the ceiling, Beau and Erig are engaged in mortal combat in a series of upside-down-hanging metal rings which jut out from the ceiling and give the warriors questionable footholds as they clash rapier-to-battleaxe. While Erig’s stealthy defenses and unceasing rage seem to be giving him the advantage, Beau uses his dexterity to sweep Erig’s legs out from…over him, causing him to nearly plummet to his death. Some quick reflexes on Beau’s end save the dwarf, who concedes defeat, and they head back down to the battle below to attempt to quell the violence.

In her bowel-expelling rage, Liessa looks up at the descending young Oliver and turns him to stone, and the heroes are forced to act as one in order to keep the little dragonling from shattering to pieces. With a bit of luck and some quick magic dispelling courtesy of Loki, Oliver is unfrozen and manages to stop his crash-landing. The Wyrmbergers thank the heroes, restraining their mad queen and even going so far as to give the good guys a bunch of nifty items before sending them on their way. They promise to provide aid for the stranded train passengers, as long as The Told Ones vow to keep their existence a secret.

After a tearful parting between Beau and Oliver, the adventurers set off once again into the unknown…

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Session 8
A Hair Raising Encounter

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After a long journey back down the mountain, The Told Ones find themselves finally able to get a few days’ rest on the train. They discuss their options, and decide to venture forth to the Counterweight Continent, from Ankh-Morpork by way of Wyrmberg. Beau is extra excited at the sight of a Dragon he believes to be Oliver, revealing that he is in fact colorblind. While on the train, some of the heroes are reacquainted with some familiar old smells, and make their way to the back of the train car. While the gang tries to convince their hobo friends to bathe in something other than manure, Dialyn gathers a stockpile of hot pockets and Gnoll jerky, just in case they need dragon bait later. The gang returns with news of a plan to sneak into a grand princess party, but just as they are discussing their options, the train is rocked off its tracks by a large impact. With the train on its side and the next station 5 days’ journey away, The Told Ones set off to find help for stranded passengers in Wyrmberg.

The city appears to be housed inside a large upside-down mountain, through a curious door, and up a great many steps. Inside the mountain the group encounters a huge golden dragon, which seems to be brush off all of their attacks a bit too easily. Loki discovers that the dragon is a figment of their imagination, and everyone (but Beau) is able to block the dragon out of their minds. They discover a golden coin, and take it with them.

The group splits up and soon finds themselves in a series of puzzle-filled chambers. Beau and Sen’dai attempt to fight off golden armor which springs to life at the push of a button. Loki and Dialyn have Henry and a mage hand attempt to pull a series of levers in a locked room with a pit until Declan steps in and works it out himself. The group is reunited in a room with a large disc which seems to be balancing on a pinnacle. In order to counter-balance the disc they must coax a (uncharacteristically) brooding Lord M from his book. And it’s a good thing they do, because as Beau slides into a pit of muck they need all the extra fireball help they can muster to defeat the Roper inside and rescue Beau from a slimy demise.

Moving on, the team is finally able to cooperate as one in a room where they cross another pit of tarry slime, then navigate through a dark cavern ripe with photo sensitive bats, careful to put out the mopey Lord M’s flames. By this point, they have collected all but one coin, which is staunchly in place on the ceiling above them. No pull of mage hand or beak can budge the coin, but when Beau and Sen’dai retreat back to re-investigate the shiny armor (of course) they left behind, they inadvertently release a magnetic force with a button and Loki is able to collect the coin.

With all the pieces in hand, they arrange the coins in designated slots by type of metal to spell out Errol. At that moment, a huge red and black dragon, that is most definitely real, appears. The Told Ones fight the dragon to its death, out of what they saw to be necessity, but as the purple light goes out of the beast’s eyes, Loki and Dialyn begin to feel remorse. Declan, unspurred by the sadness in the creature’s dying form, begins to skin its hide as Dialyn runs from the room and Loki faints from despair.

A looming form enters the room, with a much less loomy, much smellier form, and Beau recognizes the smaller to be (actual colored) Oliver. Oliver mourns the dragon as a distraught dwarf begins to yell “What have you done!?” The Told Ones have slain Oliver’s mother, the wife of the large majestic dragon in the room, Errol.

A pile of treasure to one side and an exit to the back, the remaining Told Ones have little time to decide a move before a woman with dragons snaking through her hair appears atop a ledge, and with a few words of what could be sadness or anger, turns all who gaze upon her to stone.

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Session 7
Chull Chull Chull.

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As our heroes investigate the mysterious writing in the ground and argue about what to do next, a thunderous voice tells them to hand over the Eternal Hourglass. Several figures emerge from the stone canyon (literally from the stone) and attack our heroes. A vicious battle ensues, but the good guys manage to triumph. They interrogate one of the foes, who announces that he is part of the Druidic " Order of the Hare “, a mysterious group responsible for controlling the mind of A’Tuin and guiding him into the ”/wikis/red-comet" class=“wiki-page-link”> Red Comet (and the end of the Disc).

Moving on, The Told Ones discover a cave in the Ramtops. Half the group climbs over the cavern, and half go in. A random earthquake (prompted by the coming of the comet) causes a cave-in, trapping Loki, Lord M, and Dialyn inside, while Deck, Beau, and Sen’dai are rocked down to a canyon with a few tents and three hyena-looking creatures (gnolls) who attack the three heroes.

Inside the cave, Loki manages to gain control over a lobstery creature called a Chull, and uses it to dig their way out. Lord M stays behind the roast the creature, but is himself incapacitated.

Meanwhile, the other three defeat the gnolls, who say they were bestowed some special blood magic by “The King”, who passed by on his way to Cori Celesti. Running back to meet with their allies, they engage the chull, who is about to devour Lord M, and save his life. He begrudgingly thanks them, and the heroes move on to the Ramtops Train Station, where they ride down south to Wyrmberg, fabled home of the dragons.

Before they are able to pass by the Wyrmberg mountain, an enormous force rocks the train off its tracks and causes it to go flying off its tracks. Our heroes look up from the wreckage just in time to see a huge flying beast glide back towards the mountain…

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Session 6
Defying Gods

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The Told Ones find themselves at the base of Cori Celesti, with an enormous storm raging near the peak. They climb through the ice and rock, avoiding falling boulders and enduring earthquakes which create chasms in the ground which they must traverse. After an arduous several hours of climbing, the team reaches the bottom of the storm cloud, and upon emerging from the other side, find a war raging: Ice Giants attempting to storm Dunmanifestin, the home of the gods of the Disc.

Our heroes attempt to skirt by the battle unnoticed, but are promptly captured by the giants, who imprison them in an ice cave, guarded by super-smart trolls (turns out cold weather makes trolls’ brains function at a far higher level). With some clever resourcefulness, the good guys escape their icy bonds and defeat the guards, working their way through the dank cave to the exit, where Dialyn’s mysterious owl friend Henry warns of an approaching giant. Some quick thinking on the part of Loki creates an illusory image of the adventurers escaping the cave, tricking the ice giant into giving pursuit and giving our heroes time to escape.

Finally reaching the peak, our heroes find themselves in a chessboard-style room with various avatars of the gods at one end, and random tokens at the other. A heavenly being with wings emerges, announcing himself as the Deva: Blind Io’s representative. He explains that the mortals must complete 5 trials in order to gain audience with the gods, using the avatars on the chess boards to guide them through each trial.

First, the group enters a room where they must face their fears (using some “Liquid Courage” from Bibulous the Drunk God to help them through). Next, they find themselves flying through an asteroid field on the backs of tortoises much like A’Tuin (with a little help from Lady Luck to see them through). Finally, they arrive on a boat being attacked by a strange sea creature who splits in half every time it is attacked (their attacks are boosted with some lightning courtesy of Blind Io’s avatar).

Sick of these challenges, the heroes trick/persuade the Deva into giving them access early, which he reluctantly does. He also reveals his true form as a Beholder: a creature with many eyes, who explains that he is but one of Io’s “eyes” around the Disc. However, he goes on to say, all of the other Beholders of Io have gone rogue, and he implores The Told Ones to seek them out and beat the evil out of them.

At the top of a long set of stairs, our adventurers find themselves finally in Dunmanifestin, the pantheon where the gods reside. They speak with several of the gods, and come across a pair of winged boots in Io’s chambers. Io comes charging in on the back of an enormous Pegasus, and tells the group that he can give them the boots (known as the Winged Boots of Hurry-Mes) if they prove their worthiness with the gods themselves.

The gang then competes one-on-one with a god: Beau with the drunk god Cayden Cailean in a strange table-top drinking game, Loki against Hoki the trickster in a prank war, Deck vs. Io himself in a lightning-throwing contest to defeat some of the approaching ice giants (including the leader of the group, The Frost King), Lord M against Om in a race to gain as many followers as possible, Dialyn in a dice game of chance against Lady Luck (with a little help from Fate), and Sen’dai against Jimi God of Beggars in a hilarious attempt to beg their way into a lavish party.

Besting their opponents, the heroes are bestowed several gifts of the gods, along with the boots, which, when brought near the Eternal Hourglass of A’Tuin, transform into light blue sands, filling the hourglass with 3 more months of life. These “Sands of Air” also give the hourglass a new power: Windswift, which will give The Told Ones a constant gust of wind whenever they travel on a sailboat, cutting their travel time down immensely from continent to continent.

Departing on the back of the giant Pegasus with the first of the four " Sands of Time ", The Told Ones make their way back south. On the way, they encounter writing molded from the earth itself, an ominous warning which reads “Turn Back…Or Die.”

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Session 5
Getting Railroaded

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The Shazam Fighting Pits stadium is packed, the contestants are set (Beau and some big beefboy), and the Mills-Lane-ian referee Big Bill announces to all, “Let’s get it on!”

As Beau darts around the fighter in the ring, Dialyn and Loki chat with a strange little nerdette seated next to them, who seems more interested in her poetry book than the fights. After some gentle prodding (and introducing the girl to alcohol…solid choice, but I’m pretty sure she’s underage, you hoods), the young lady reveals herself to be P.M.S. Johnson, niece to the winning inventory, B.S. Johnson. The coven of witches — er three totally normal nice women — look on as Beau defeats the first contender (with a little help from his friends), ending the quarter-final rounds and beginning a short break.

They greet Beau in the holding pens, and he and Phinelia share a super-kawaii movie moment, initiated by Dialyn shoving the poor girl down into the dirt for no reason. Luckily, Beau is there to pick up the pieces (and her glasses and book, which Phinelia leaves behind when she runs away in a panic). Beau quickly memorizes one of the poems, before entering into Round 2 (Semi-Finals), which pits him against the sexy jabroni named Samuel, with whom Dialyn had spent a marvelous night of passion and Eldritch Blasting. Beau ekes out another win, and the crowd goes wild (well, actually, they go “Beau is good. Beau wins” thanks to a really helpful Suggestion spell from Loki).

The finals really shake things up, as Beau faces off against Mighty Mask…however, some mysterious force rips the costume off the fighter, revealing him to be two adorable children in disguise. As the two kids scamper off, Big Bill tells the crowd not to worry, as they have a special surprise: Beau will still have an opponent, a legendary warrior named COHEN THE BARBARIAN!

The battle is indeed intense, and even with Cohen at a fraction of his full power after his trip down to Hell, Beau is on the ropes…able to chip away at Cohen while jumping away and getting a bit of magical assistance from his friends in the stands. Finally, with a mighty smack-down, Beau is able to defeat Cohen, and is declared winner, just before passing out.

The Duke arrives to award the winner 500 Gold, and tells them they’ve made quite a name for themselves in Quirm. He also informs them that he has dispatched the Marquis de Sod to Pseudopolis to try and repair their political structure. A few of the heroes sign up (at half price!) for the next tournament in a few weeks. They then depart for Leonard da Quirm‘s, who is Frankenstein-ing it up in his secret lab and creating a helper-golem. He gladly returns the original golem’s scroll (“Pour Solution A into Vial B, duck under table for 5 seconds, Repeat”), and bestows upon the heroes the Manual of Clay Golems, with instructions that it be delivered to ”/characters/lord-havelock-vetinari" class=“wiki-content-link”>Lord Havelock Vetinari in Ankh-Morpork. The Told Ones bring the scroll to Lord Explosario at the Alchemists’ Guild, who give them access to a free potion each.

On their way to the newly-created “steam train” station, our heroes are accosted by a mime with an invisible knife, who beckons them all to the Quirm Home for Retired Clowns, where the orderly asks if they would be willing to cheer up sad Mr. Nanners, whose birthday it is. The group immediately forms a hilarious 5-ring circus, performing all sorts of silly acts until the sad old clown and his clown-patriots finally burst out in laughter. Nothing like a good quick Skill Challenge for some extra XP, amirite?

The Told Ones finally head out of Quirm by means of the steam train, which chugga-chugs its way north towards Cori Celesti, home of the gods. Deck encounters a foul stench in “economy” class, and sees 4 beggars in the horse’s car…but something smells worse than the horse nuggets. He quickly slams the door and meets the rest in the dining car, where Loki finally reads the Tome of Flames, the manifesto of Lord Mephistopheles, Sucker of Souls, Reaper of….you know.

Just then, a group of thieves by the name of the Bugbear Bandits attacks the train, and of course, our heroes spring into action…some higher than others, as Loki jumps on top of the train along with Cohen in order to stop the ones on the roof. Sen’dai dispatches the bandit in the conductor’s car, allowing the conductor to regain control of the train, and the group manages to take out the bandits, winning the thanks (and money) of the passengers. (but not before Deck is hit by an attack, and suddenly seems to go totally berserk, swinging his new enchanted ax around like a madman). An intervention is clearly called for.

Meanwhile, Sen’dai has a chat with the hobos in the back car, who call themselves the Canting Crew: Foul Ol’ Ron (source of the odor), Arnold Sideways (no legs, dragged around in a cart), Coffin Henry (who, well, coughs), and the Duck Man…who appears quite sane despite having a duck sitting on his head. The “men” tell Sen’dai that Ankh-Morpork is in upheaval, with earthquakes shaking the buildings down, the City Watch nowhere to be seen, and some…shifts in management in some areas of the city.

The next day, the train stops in the Ramtops, and The Told Ones investigate a smoldering fire in the distance, which turns out to be the remains of the Duergar Mines, destroyed by the Troll-Dwarf conflict. Shining a light on the cave reveals dozens of dead troll and dwarf bodies, and some pools of smelt gold. However, barring their escape is a trio of Trolls, the only survivors of the skirmish, who attempt to bring the house down on our adventurers. They manage to escape, slaying the Troll King Glormph, and flee the collapsing mines back to the train.

Their travails don’t end there, though, gang! Before reaching Cori Celesti, a massive earthquake destroys an upcoming bridge and threatens to shake the train loose from the railings. Tossing passengers from the moving train while attempting to unhook or slow the steam-propelled vehicle, The Told Ones manage to keep (most of) the train from plummeting into the abyss, and save everyone on board. What a bunch of heroes. They are then awarded with unlimited-free-train-passes by the conductor. In return, the good guys give up their horses so that the train passengers can ride to safety (or so they hope…)

After a night of crossing the river and getting some well-earned rest, The Told Ones find themselves, finally, at the base of Cori Celesti, tallest point on the Disc, home of the gods, where a tremendous (figurative and literal) storm is raging overhead…Certainly more cliffhangers up ahead!

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Session 4
Definitely Important World-Saving Side Quests!

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The Told Ones enter the lively, street-performance-filled city of Quirm, which has a sort of…Renaissance-y feel to it. They immediately bump into a relative of CMOT Dibbler, who calls himself Whack-Meself-Off Dibbloni, and to his surprise finds Loki eating one of his infamous Quirmian sausages! He proceeds to tell the team all about his fair city, just as a fight breaks out in front of the Collapsed Tower of Quirm: two great inventors, Leonard da Quirm and Bergholt Stuttley (B.S., or “Bloody Stupid”) Johnson, are arguing over who deserves the city’s Inventor’s Grant.

Breaking up the bedlam comes the Duke of Quirm, Rodley, who decides to hold a contest wherein 6 lucky people will help test the inventors’ newest machines in a “mad mad mad mad relay race”. And wouldn’t ya know it? Our heroes are the ones selected to “volunteer”, with only a LITTLE bit of (literal) prodding from the City Guard.

Beau and Loki first face off in the Test of Mobility, flying through the city on two dangerous flying machines. Loki finishes first, partly thanks to some camaraderie on the part of Beau, handing the virtual baton off to Sen’dai, who must play a strange looking musical organ. Dialyn is up next for Team da Quirm, and must solve a complex decoding machine puzzle. The teams are nearly neck-and-neck in the final contest (one of strength), which pits Deck against the (now severely-depowered ever since his trip to Hell) Cohen the Barbarian, in a final effort to re-raise the Collapsed Tower of Quirm.

Cohen manages to eke out a victory, and as thanks, B.S. Johnson (who gets a 10,000 GP grant from the Duke) hands over 500 of his gold, as well as his helpful Modron assistant Blavi, to our helpful heroes. He then takes them to dinner at a super-classy seafood place (where he gives them another very special gift), but when he recognizes Beau as one of the famous Shazam Brothers and tells the group of the Shazam Fighting Pits (and nearby rowdy bar), all of the group save Deck take off for cheap booze. Deck politely stays for dessert and is given 6 tickets to the Grand Opening of the Quirm City Zoo the next day (for which B.S. designed the cages…oh boy). He also recommends the gang say hi to his daughter Phinelia Marie Susan (P.M.S.) Johnson at the Quirm College for Young Ladies.

The group gets good and sloshed (except Deck and Sen’dai) at the bar, flirting, fighting, and schmoozing with a group of real jabronis, who are competing in the tournament the next day. Beau manages to lure one outside (not what you think), in order to knock him out and take his clothes, and his slot, in the morning’s Quarterfinals. The rest of the group, after a bunch of solid RPing, ventures to the Alchemists’ Guild in search of Leonard da Quirm, who scuttled away suspiciously after the relay race, only to find out that he had stolen the “Words” from the guild’s Golem Laborer and was being commissioned by the Patrician to duplicate the Golem-technology in a secret lab somewhere in the city.

Sent off by Lord Explosario, head of the Alchemists’ Guild, our heroes infiltrate da Quirm’s secret lab by various sneaky means (but not, sadly, peeing down his chimney) and discover him behind a Scooby-Doo-rific bookcase with an inanimate Golem. He insists he was going to return the scroll when he was done, but must finish his work. The Told Ones agree to come back for both the scroll, and the “golem manual” da Quirm is creating, the next afternoon.

With time to kill, the group goes to bed in various locations (*cough*Dialyngetslaid*cough*) and gathers back together the next day to check out the Zoo and the Fighting Pits. B.S. Johnson is being honored at the zoo, but Deck and Loki realize that the cage for the “new exotic exhibit” is faulty, and manage to placate the near-riotous crowd in order to give Johnson the time he needs to fix the lock and prevent certain catastrophe. A charming musical number ensues, and Dialyn passes out in some hay.

Meanwhile, Beau has infiltrated the fighting pits, and Sen’dai attempts to do the same, speaking to the Fightmaster Big Bill, and then dueling with one of the contestants, Mighty Mask, who is definitely an adult. Sadly, Sen’dai is forced to retreat from the powerful opponent.

The remaining trio of Deck, Loki, and Dialyn meet with the Duke (using their various court-diplomacy-skills to bypass a bunch of needy civilians because, y’know, THEIR mission is more important than these losers). They convince him to send a spare Quirmian Marquis to the Pseudopolians in order to help regain order over the city. What a bunch of little helpers, eh?!

Finally, they all manage to meet up at the Shazam Fighting Pits Tournament, where Dialyn’s new jabroni-boyfriend quickly takes out a stout dwarf fighter. The audience turns its attention to the next two combatants: a large beefy hulk-meister, and to their surprise: a cleverly disguised Beauregard Shazam!

Tune in for the fight of the…session…Next time in the Exciting World of Wacky Rac—I mean, Discworld!

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Session 3
Making the World a "Better" Place

 

Having successfully navigated the Temple of Skund, The Told Ones (and their new ally Cohen the Barbarian) listen in on a strange ritual taking place in a secret room. A group of hooded figures stand around a book, with four glowing trees surrounding them. Red energy shoots from one of the trees, and a demonic creature identifying himself as Lord Mephistopheles, Ruler of Hell, arises, paying "homage" to his father, the leader of the group. 

Just then, Dialyn smashes into the backs of her friends, causing them all to tumble into the room and exposing their location. The mysterious cult leader grabs the book and hides, commanding his followers to dispose of the heroes, telling Lord M to focus his attentions on Dialyn. A major battle ensues, as the clock begins to strike midnight.

Right before the final chime, Lord M sends Cohen into a hellish void and turns his sights on the rest of the team. Before he can wipe them all out, another hooded figure appears (yes, there's a pattern) in a cloud of smoke, riding a white horse. The room is shrouded in darkness, and a grim-looking reaper-man takes out the remaining cultists, turning his attention to The Told Ones and telling them that they must return the Eternal Hourglass of A'Tuin, which has just started losing sand for the first time in history. Dialyn, thinking quickly, challenges the specter to a game of chance, and despite his attempts at cheating, Death is foiled.

He allows the heroes to keep the hourglass, and (after some debate) slows the sands. As he turns his back rather conspicuously to let them group escape, he tells them that they must seek out sacred sands in order to delay the death of A'Tuin, and that they may success "by the Grace of the Gods". Taking the cue, The Told Ones run off and decide to seek out the Gods themselves up on the fabled mountain Cori Celesti.

After a debate with the now severely de-powered (but still cocky AF) Lord M, the group seals him away in his book, the Tome of Flames, and stumbles across an ambush of another group of druids. Negotiating peace, the druids bring them to their leader, Salencia, deep in the forest, where the Druidic Supercomputer is kept. Putting the Eternal Hourglass into the computer, the druids discover that A'Tuin has been shifted off course to collide with the Red Comet, which passes harmlessly by Discworld every 50 years, the same time at which the barriers between various world is at its weakest. However, by interrupting the evil druids' ritual before midnight on Hogswatchnight (the most magical night of the year), The Told Ones managed to delay A'Tuin's collision for a few months. 

Following Cohen's direction, the group then sets out for Cori Celesti by the "scenic route", traveling through the towns of Pseudopolis and Quirm. They first pass a group of Duergars (deep mountain dwarves), who ask for their help defending their mines against the Troll invasion. Sticking true to their alignments, the group ignores both groups' pleas for help and moves on to Pseudopolis, where a berserker horde is attacking the villagers. A battle ensues, and the group manages to save the town and put out the fires set by the barbarians.

Mayor Dumbleweed comes out to thank the heroes and gives them a tour of his capitol building, which doubles as a museum. However, the group presses the mayor and his archeologist employee Nevada Smith, who eventually reveal that the reason the horde is invading is because the mayor stole their legendary sword Kring. This sets a wildly uncoordinated plan into motion, in which Deck turns the town against their mayor, as Sen'dai and Beau distract the city guards in battle, as Loki and Dialyn invisibly sneak into the museum to abscond with the sword. Mob law triumphs, and Loki manages to get the overly-talkative sword out of town on a horse and over to the Octarine Plains, where the barbarians make camp. The rest of the team eventually follows, but not before ousting Mayor Dumbleweed and installing the head of the police, Captain Donkeyteeth, to power. Things will definitely work out great from here.

Cohen diffuses the tension between The Told Ones and Hrun the Barbarian's Silver Horde (a group of aged, or "experienced", barbarians who used to follow Cohen but have since taken up with Hrun). Kring is returned, and the group makes Hrun sign a "no attacking village" contract, which the barbarians will definitely stick to. Oh, and Deck randomly pulls an eye out of a newt's head. Adventuring!

Finally, the group departs for Quirm, a lively city full of exciting street performers and delicious aromas…except for the sausages being peddled by Whack-Meself-Off Dibbler, who welcomes them to the city and points out a couple of arguing men over by a collapsed tower…but who are these men, and what are they fighting about? I guess it's up to the group to figure it out!

But still, the clock is ticking…

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