The Great A'Tuinment

Session 9
Upside-Down Cage Match


With half the group frozen in stone by the medusa-esque woman called Liessa Wyrmbidder, the outcome began to look grim indeed. Chastising our heroes for murdering the “innocent” red shadow dragon, mother to Oliver and mate to Errol, the Queen demands the Told Ones offer up their lives in exchange. She will, however, give the “dragon-lover” among them a fighting chance, and pits Beau against her top fighter, the dwarf barbarian who had come running out earlier: Erig Stronginthearm.

As Beau is lifted off the ground by Oliver (and Erig by Errol), Liessa cackles and sends her forces after the rest of the party. Meanwhile, Dialyn is confronted by a bugbear guard, whom she promptly disposes of, tripping over the unconscious Loki on her way back to the big fight. The ladies enter the fray to see Deck and Beau fighting for their lives, surrounded by a dozen Wyrmbergers. They offer some magical assistance, and quickly turn the tide of the battle, prompting Liessa herself to enter the fray.

High above on the ceiling, Beau and Erig are engaged in mortal combat in a series of upside-down-hanging metal rings which jut out from the ceiling and give the warriors questionable footholds as they clash rapier-to-battleaxe. While Erig’s stealthy defenses and unceasing rage seem to be giving him the advantage, Beau uses his dexterity to sweep Erig’s legs out from…over him, causing him to nearly plummet to his death. Some quick reflexes on Beau’s end save the dwarf, who concedes defeat, and they head back down to the battle below to attempt to quell the violence.

In her bowel-expelling rage, Liessa looks up at the descending young Oliver and turns him to stone, and the heroes are forced to act as one in order to keep the little dragonling from shattering to pieces. With a bit of luck and some quick magic dispelling courtesy of Loki, Oliver is unfrozen and manages to stop his crash-landing. The Wyrmbergers thank the heroes, restraining their mad queen and even going so far as to give the good guys a bunch of nifty items before sending them on their way. They promise to provide aid for the stranded train passengers, as long as The Told Ones vow to keep their existence a secret.

After a tearful parting between Beau and Oliver, the adventurers set off once again into the unknown…

Session 8
A Hair Raising Encounter


After a long journey back down the mountain, The Told Ones find themselves finally able to get a few days’ rest on the train. They discuss their options, and decide to venture forth to the Counterweight Continent, from Ankh-Morpork by way of Wyrmberg. Beau is extra excited at the sight of a Dragon he believes to be Oliver, revealing that he is in fact colorblind. While on the train, some of the heroes are reacquainted with some familiar old smells, and make their way to the back of the train car. While the gang tries to convince their hobo friends to bathe in something other than manure, Dialyn gathers a stockpile of hot pockets and Gnoll jerky, just in case they need dragon bait later. The gang returns with news of a plan to sneak into a grand princess party, but just as they are discussing their options, the train is rocked off its tracks by a large impact. With the train on its side and the next station 5 days’ journey away, The Told Ones set off to find help for stranded passengers in Wyrmberg.

The city appears to be housed inside a large upside-down mountain, through a curious door, and up a great many steps. Inside the mountain the group encounters a huge golden dragon, which seems to be brush off all of their attacks a bit too easily. Loki discovers that the dragon is a figment of their imagination, and everyone (but Beau) is able to block the dragon out of their minds. They discover a golden coin, and take it with them.

The group splits up and soon finds themselves in a series of puzzle-filled chambers. Beau and Sen’dai attempt to fight off golden armor which springs to life at the push of a button. Loki and Dialyn have Henry and a mage hand attempt to pull a series of levers in a locked room with a pit until Declan steps in and works it out himself. The group is reunited in a room with a large disc which seems to be balancing on a pinnacle. In order to counter-balance the disc they must coax a (uncharacteristically) brooding Lord M from his book. And it’s a good thing they do, because as Beau slides into a pit of muck they need all the extra fireball help they can muster to defeat the Roper inside and rescue Beau from a slimy demise.

Moving on, the team is finally able to cooperate as one in a room where they cross another pit of tarry slime, then navigate through a dark cavern ripe with photo sensitive bats, careful to put out the mopey Lord M’s flames. By this point, they have collected all but one coin, which is staunchly in place on the ceiling above them. No pull of mage hand or beak can budge the coin, but when Beau and Sen’dai retreat back to re-investigate the shiny armor (of course) they left behind, they inadvertently release a magnetic force with a button and Loki is able to collect the coin.

With all the pieces in hand, they arrange the coins in designated slots by type of metal to spell out Errol. At that moment, a huge red and black dragon, that is most definitely real, appears. The Told Ones fight the dragon to its death, out of what they saw to be necessity, but as the purple light goes out of the beast’s eyes, Loki and Dialyn begin to feel remorse. Declan, unspurred by the sadness in the creature’s dying form, begins to skin its hide as Dialyn runs from the room and Loki faints from despair.

A looming form enters the room, with a much less loomy, much smellier form, and Beau recognizes the smaller to be (actual colored) Oliver. Oliver mourns the dragon as a distraught dwarf begins to yell “What have you done!?” The Told Ones have slain Oliver’s mother, the wife of the large majestic dragon in the room, Errol.

A pile of treasure to one side and an exit to the back, the remaining Told Ones have little time to decide a move before a woman with dragons snaking through her hair appears atop a ledge, and with a few words of what could be sadness or anger, turns all who gaze upon her to stone.

Session 7
Chull Chull Chull.


As our heroes investigate the mysterious writing in the ground and argue about what to do next, a thunderous voice tells them to hand over the Eternal Hourglass. Several figures emerge from the stone canyon (literally from the stone) and attack our heroes. A vicious battle ensues, but the good guys manage to triumph. They interrogate one of the foes, who announces that he is part of the Druidic " Order of the Hare “, a mysterious group responsible for controlling the mind of A’Tuin and guiding him into the ”/wikis/red-comet" class=“wiki-page-link”> Red Comet (and the end of the Disc).

Moving on, The Told Ones discover a cave in the Ramtops. Half the group climbs over the cavern, and half go in. A random earthquake (prompted by the coming of the comet) causes a cave-in, trapping Loki, Lord M, and Dialyn inside, while Deck, Beau, and Sen’dai are rocked down to a canyon with a few tents and three hyena-looking creatures (gnolls) who attack the three heroes.

Inside the cave, Loki manages to gain control over a lobstery creature called a Chull, and uses it to dig their way out. Lord M stays behind the roast the creature, but is himself incapacitated.

Meanwhile, the other three defeat the gnolls, who say they were bestowed some special blood magic by “The King”, who passed by on his way to Cori Celesti. Running back to meet with their allies, they engage the chull, who is about to devour Lord M, and save his life. He begrudgingly thanks them, and the heroes move on to the Ramtops Train Station, where they ride down south to Wyrmberg, fabled home of the dragons.

Before they are able to pass by the Wyrmberg mountain, an enormous force rocks the train off its tracks and causes it to go flying off its tracks. Our heroes look up from the wreckage just in time to see a huge flying beast glide back towards the mountain…

Session 6
Defying Gods


The Told Ones find themselves at the base of Cori Celesti, with an enormous storm raging near the peak. They climb through the ice and rock, avoiding falling boulders and enduring earthquakes which create chasms in the ground which they must traverse. After an arduous several hours of climbing, the team reaches the bottom of the storm cloud, and upon emerging from the other side, find a war raging: Ice Giants attempting to storm Dunmanifestin, the home of the gods of the Disc.

Our heroes attempt to skirt by the battle unnoticed, but are promptly captured by the giants, who imprison them in an ice cave, guarded by super-smart trolls (turns out cold weather makes trolls’ brains function at a far higher level). With some clever resourcefulness, the good guys escape their icy bonds and defeat the guards, working their way through the dank cave to the exit, where Dialyn’s mysterious owl friend Henry warns of an approaching giant. Some quick thinking on the part of Loki creates an illusory image of the adventurers escaping the cave, tricking the ice giant into giving pursuit and giving our heroes time to escape.

Finally reaching the peak, our heroes find themselves in a chessboard-style room with various avatars of the gods at one end, and random tokens at the other. A heavenly being with wings emerges, announcing himself as the Deva: Blind Io’s representative. He explains that the mortals must complete 5 trials in order to gain audience with the gods, using the avatars on the chess boards to guide them through each trial.

First, the group enters a room where they must face their fears (using some “Liquid Courage” from Bibulous the Drunk God to help them through). Next, they find themselves flying through an asteroid field on the backs of tortoises much like A’Tuin (with a little help from Lady Luck to see them through). Finally, they arrive on a boat being attacked by a strange sea creature who splits in half every time it is attacked (their attacks are boosted with some lightning courtesy of Blind Io’s avatar).

Sick of these challenges, the heroes trick/persuade the Deva into giving them access early, which he reluctantly does. He also reveals his true form as a Beholder: a creature with many eyes, who explains that he is but one of Io’s “eyes” around the Disc. However, he goes on to say, all of the other Beholders of Io have gone rogue, and he implores The Told Ones to seek them out and beat the evil out of them.

At the top of a long set of stairs, our adventurers find themselves finally in Dunmanifestin, the pantheon where the gods reside. They speak with several of the gods, and come across a pair of winged boots in Io’s chambers. Io comes charging in on the back of an enormous Pegasus, and tells the group that he can give them the boots (known as the Winged Boots of Hurry-Mes) if they prove their worthiness with the gods themselves.

The gang then competes one-on-one with a god: Beau with the drunk god Cayden Cailean in a strange table-top drinking game, Loki against Hoki the trickster in a prank war, Deck vs. Io himself in a lightning-throwing contest to defeat some of the approaching ice giants (including the leader of the group, The Frost King), Lord M against Om in a race to gain as many followers as possible, Dialyn in a dice game of chance against Lady Luck (with a little help from Fate), and Sen’dai against Jimi God of Beggars in a hilarious attempt to beg their way into a lavish party.

Besting their opponents, the heroes are bestowed several gifts of the gods, along with the boots, which, when brought near the Eternal Hourglass of A’Tuin, transform into light blue sands, filling the hourglass with 3 more months of life. These “Sands of Air” also give the hourglass a new power: Windswift, which will give The Told Ones a constant gust of wind whenever they travel on a sailboat, cutting their travel time down immensely from continent to continent.

Departing on the back of the giant Pegasus with the first of the four " Sands of Time ", The Told Ones make their way back south. On the way, they encounter writing molded from the earth itself, an ominous warning which reads “Turn Back…Or Die.”

Session 5
Getting Railroaded


The Shazam Fighting Pits stadium is packed, the contestants are set (Beau and some big beefboy), and the Mills-Lane-ian referee Big Bill announces to all, “Let’s get it on!”

As Beau darts around the fighter in the ring, Dialyn and Loki chat with a strange little nerdette seated next to them, who seems more interested in her poetry book than the fights. After some gentle prodding (and introducing the girl to alcohol…solid choice, but I’m pretty sure she’s underage, you hoods), the young lady reveals herself to be P.M.S. Johnson, niece to the winning inventory, B.S. Johnson. The coven of witches — er three totally normal nice women — look on as Beau defeats the first contender (with a little help from his friends), ending the quarter-final rounds and beginning a short break.

They greet Beau in the holding pens, and he and Phinelia share a super-kawaii movie moment, initiated by Dialyn shoving the poor girl down into the dirt for no reason. Luckily, Beau is there to pick up the pieces (and her glasses and book, which Phinelia leaves behind when she runs away in a panic). Beau quickly memorizes one of the poems, before entering into Round 2 (Semi-Finals), which pits him against the sexy jabroni named Samuel, with whom Dialyn had spent a marvelous night of passion and Eldritch Blasting. Beau ekes out another win, and the crowd goes wild (well, actually, they go “Beau is good. Beau wins” thanks to a really helpful Suggestion spell from Loki).

The finals really shake things up, as Beau faces off against Mighty Mask…however, some mysterious force rips the costume off the fighter, revealing him to be two adorable children in disguise. As the two kids scamper off, Big Bill tells the crowd not to worry, as they have a special surprise: Beau will still have an opponent, a legendary warrior named COHEN THE BARBARIAN!

The battle is indeed intense, and even with Cohen at a fraction of his full power after his trip down to Hell, Beau is on the ropes…able to chip away at Cohen while jumping away and getting a bit of magical assistance from his friends in the stands. Finally, with a mighty smack-down, Beau is able to defeat Cohen, and is declared winner, just before passing out.

The Duke arrives to award the winner 500 Gold, and tells them they’ve made quite a name for themselves in Quirm. He also informs them that he has dispatched the Marquis de Sod to Pseudopolis to try and repair their political structure. A few of the heroes sign up (at half price!) for the next tournament in a few weeks. They then depart for Leonard da Quirm‘s, who is Frankenstein-ing it up in his secret lab and creating a helper-golem. He gladly returns the original golem’s scroll (“Pour Solution A into Vial B, duck under table for 5 seconds, Repeat”), and bestows upon the heroes the Manual of Clay Golems, with instructions that it be delivered to ”/characters/lord-havelock-vetinari" class=“wiki-content-link”>Lord Havelock Vetinari in Ankh-Morpork. The Told Ones bring the scroll to Lord Explosario at the Alchemists’ Guild, who give them access to a free potion each.

On their way to the newly-created “steam train” station, our heroes are accosted by a mime with an invisible knife, who beckons them all to the Quirm Home for Retired Clowns, where the orderly asks if they would be willing to cheer up sad Mr. Nanners, whose birthday it is. The group immediately forms a hilarious 5-ring circus, performing all sorts of silly acts until the sad old clown and his clown-patriots finally burst out in laughter. Nothing like a good quick Skill Challenge for some extra XP, amirite?

The Told Ones finally head out of Quirm by means of the steam train, which chugga-chugs its way north towards Cori Celesti, home of the gods. Deck encounters a foul stench in “economy” class, and sees 4 beggars in the horse’s car…but something smells worse than the horse nuggets. He quickly slams the door and meets the rest in the dining car, where Loki finally reads the Tome of Flames, the manifesto of Lord Mephistopheles, Sucker of Souls, Reaper of….you know.

Just then, a group of thieves by the name of the Bugbear Bandits attacks the train, and of course, our heroes spring into action…some higher than others, as Loki jumps on top of the train along with Cohen in order to stop the ones on the roof. Sen’dai dispatches the bandit in the conductor’s car, allowing the conductor to regain control of the train, and the group manages to take out the bandits, winning the thanks (and money) of the passengers. (but not before Deck is hit by an attack, and suddenly seems to go totally berserk, swinging his new enchanted ax around like a madman). An intervention is clearly called for.

Meanwhile, Sen’dai has a chat with the hobos in the back car, who call themselves the Canting Crew: Foul Ol’ Ron (source of the odor), Arnold Sideways (no legs, dragged around in a cart), Coffin Henry (who, well, coughs), and the Duck Man…who appears quite sane despite having a duck sitting on his head. The “men” tell Sen’dai that Ankh-Morpork is in upheaval, with earthquakes shaking the buildings down, the City Watch nowhere to be seen, and some…shifts in management in some areas of the city.

The next day, the train stops in the Ramtops, and The Told Ones investigate a smoldering fire in the distance, which turns out to be the remains of the Duergar Mines, destroyed by the Troll-Dwarf conflict. Shining a light on the cave reveals dozens of dead troll and dwarf bodies, and some pools of smelt gold. However, barring their escape is a trio of Trolls, the only survivors of the skirmish, who attempt to bring the house down on our adventurers. They manage to escape, slaying the Troll King Glormph, and flee the collapsing mines back to the train.

Their travails don’t end there, though, gang! Before reaching Cori Celesti, a massive earthquake destroys an upcoming bridge and threatens to shake the train loose from the railings. Tossing passengers from the moving train while attempting to unhook or slow the steam-propelled vehicle, The Told Ones manage to keep (most of) the train from plummeting into the abyss, and save everyone on board. What a bunch of heroes. They are then awarded with unlimited-free-train-passes by the conductor. In return, the good guys give up their horses so that the train passengers can ride to safety (or so they hope…)

After a night of crossing the river and getting some well-earned rest, The Told Ones find themselves, finally, at the base of Cori Celesti, tallest point on the Disc, home of the gods, where a tremendous (figurative and literal) storm is raging overhead…Certainly more cliffhangers up ahead!

Session 4
Definitely Important World-Saving Side Quests!


The Told Ones enter the lively, street-performance-filled city of Quirm, which has a sort of…Renaissance-y feel to it. They immediately bump into a relative of CMOT Dibbler, who calls himself Whack-Meself-Off Dibbloni, and to his surprise finds Loki eating one of his infamous Quirmian sausages! He proceeds to tell the team all about his fair city, just as a fight breaks out in front of the Collapsed Tower of Quirm: two great inventors, Leonard da Quirm and Bergholt Stuttley (B.S., or “Bloody Stupid”) Johnson, are arguing over who deserves the city’s Inventor’s Grant.

Breaking up the bedlam comes the Duke of Quirm, Rodley, who decides to hold a contest wherein 6 lucky people will help test the inventors’ newest machines in a “mad mad mad mad relay race”. And wouldn’t ya know it? Our heroes are the ones selected to “volunteer”, with only a LITTLE bit of (literal) prodding from the City Guard.

Beau and Loki first face off in the Test of Mobility, flying through the city on two dangerous flying machines. Loki finishes first, partly thanks to some camaraderie on the part of Beau, handing the virtual baton off to Sen’dai, who must play a strange looking musical organ. Dialyn is up next for Team da Quirm, and must solve a complex decoding machine puzzle. The teams are nearly neck-and-neck in the final contest (one of strength), which pits Deck against the (now severely-depowered ever since his trip to Hell) Cohen the Barbarian, in a final effort to re-raise the Collapsed Tower of Quirm.

Cohen manages to eke out a victory, and as thanks, B.S. Johnson (who gets a 10,000 GP grant from the Duke) hands over 500 of his gold, as well as his helpful Modron assistant Blavi, to our helpful heroes. He then takes them to dinner at a super-classy seafood place (where he gives them another very special gift), but when he recognizes Beau as one of the famous Shazam Brothers and tells the group of the Shazam Fighting Pits (and nearby rowdy bar), all of the group save Deck take off for cheap booze. Deck politely stays for dessert and is given 6 tickets to the Grand Opening of the Quirm City Zoo the next day (for which B.S. designed the cages…oh boy). He also recommends the gang say hi to his daughter Phinelia Marie Susan (P.M.S.) Johnson at the Quirm College for Young Ladies.

The group gets good and sloshed (except Deck and Sen’dai) at the bar, flirting, fighting, and schmoozing with a group of real jabronis, who are competing in the tournament the next day. Beau manages to lure one outside (not what you think), in order to knock him out and take his clothes, and his slot, in the morning’s Quarterfinals. The rest of the group, after a bunch of solid RPing, ventures to the Alchemists’ Guild in search of Leonard da Quirm, who scuttled away suspiciously after the relay race, only to find out that he had stolen the “Words” from the guild’s Golem Laborer and was being commissioned by the Patrician to duplicate the Golem-technology in a secret lab somewhere in the city.

Sent off by Lord Explosario, head of the Alchemists’ Guild, our heroes infiltrate da Quirm’s secret lab by various sneaky means (but not, sadly, peeing down his chimney) and discover him behind a Scooby-Doo-rific bookcase with an inanimate Golem. He insists he was going to return the scroll when he was done, but must finish his work. The Told Ones agree to come back for both the scroll, and the “golem manual” da Quirm is creating, the next afternoon.

With time to kill, the group goes to bed in various locations (*cough*Dialyngetslaid*cough*) and gathers back together the next day to check out the Zoo and the Fighting Pits. B.S. Johnson is being honored at the zoo, but Deck and Loki realize that the cage for the “new exotic exhibit” is faulty, and manage to placate the near-riotous crowd in order to give Johnson the time he needs to fix the lock and prevent certain catastrophe. A charming musical number ensues, and Dialyn passes out in some hay.

Meanwhile, Beau has infiltrated the fighting pits, and Sen’dai attempts to do the same, speaking to the Fightmaster Big Bill, and then dueling with one of the contestants, Mighty Mask, who is definitely an adult. Sadly, Sen’dai is forced to retreat from the powerful opponent.

The remaining trio of Deck, Loki, and Dialyn meet with the Duke (using their various court-diplomacy-skills to bypass a bunch of needy civilians because, y’know, THEIR mission is more important than these losers). They convince him to send a spare Quirmian Marquis to the Pseudopolians in order to help regain order over the city. What a bunch of little helpers, eh?!

Finally, they all manage to meet up at the Shazam Fighting Pits Tournament, where Dialyn’s new jabroni-boyfriend quickly takes out a stout dwarf fighter. The audience turns its attention to the next two combatants: a large beefy hulk-meister, and to their surprise: a cleverly disguised Beauregard Shazam!

Tune in for the fight of the…session…Next time in the Exciting World of Wacky Rac—I mean, Discworld!

Session 3
Making the World a "Better" Place


Having successfully navigated the Temple of Skund, The Told Ones (and their new ally Cohen the Barbarian) listen in on a strange ritual taking place in a secret room. A group of hooded figures stand around a book, with four glowing trees surrounding them. Red energy shoots from one of the trees, and a demonic creature identifying himself as Lord Mephistopheles, Ruler of Hell, arises, paying "homage" to his father, the leader of the group. 

Just then, Dialyn smashes into the backs of her friends, causing them all to tumble into the room and exposing their location. The mysterious cult leader grabs the book and hides, commanding his followers to dispose of the heroes, telling Lord M to focus his attentions on Dialyn. A major battle ensues, as the clock begins to strike midnight.

Right before the final chime, Lord M sends Cohen into a hellish void and turns his sights on the rest of the team. Before he can wipe them all out, another hooded figure appears (yes, there's a pattern) in a cloud of smoke, riding a white horse. The room is shrouded in darkness, and a grim-looking reaper-man takes out the remaining cultists, turning his attention to The Told Ones and telling them that they must return the Eternal Hourglass of A'Tuin, which has just started losing sand for the first time in history. Dialyn, thinking quickly, challenges the specter to a game of chance, and despite his attempts at cheating, Death is foiled.

He allows the heroes to keep the hourglass, and (after some debate) slows the sands. As he turns his back rather conspicuously to let them group escape, he tells them that they must seek out sacred sands in order to delay the death of A'Tuin, and that they may success "by the Grace of the Gods". Taking the cue, The Told Ones run off and decide to seek out the Gods themselves up on the fabled mountain Cori Celesti.

After a debate with the now severely de-powered (but still cocky AF) Lord M, the group seals him away in his book, the Tome of Flames, and stumbles across an ambush of another group of druids. Negotiating peace, the druids bring them to their leader, Salencia, deep in the forest, where the Druidic Supercomputer is kept. Putting the Eternal Hourglass into the computer, the druids discover that A'Tuin has been shifted off course to collide with the Red Comet, which passes harmlessly by Discworld every 50 years, the same time at which the barriers between various world is at its weakest. However, by interrupting the evil druids' ritual before midnight on Hogswatchnight (the most magical night of the year), The Told Ones managed to delay A'Tuin's collision for a few months. 

Following Cohen's direction, the group then sets out for Cori Celesti by the "scenic route", traveling through the towns of Pseudopolis and Quirm. They first pass a group of Duergars (deep mountain dwarves), who ask for their help defending their mines against the Troll invasion. Sticking true to their alignments, the group ignores both groups' pleas for help and moves on to Pseudopolis, where a berserker horde is attacking the villagers. A battle ensues, and the group manages to save the town and put out the fires set by the barbarians.

Mayor Dumbleweed comes out to thank the heroes and gives them a tour of his capitol building, which doubles as a museum. However, the group presses the mayor and his archeologist employee Nevada Smith, who eventually reveal that the reason the horde is invading is because the mayor stole their legendary sword Kring. This sets a wildly uncoordinated plan into motion, in which Deck turns the town against their mayor, as Sen'dai and Beau distract the city guards in battle, as Loki and Dialyn invisibly sneak into the museum to abscond with the sword. Mob law triumphs, and Loki manages to get the overly-talkative sword out of town on a horse and over to the Octarine Plains, where the barbarians make camp. The rest of the team eventually follows, but not before ousting Mayor Dumbleweed and installing the head of the police, Captain Donkeyteeth, to power. Things will definitely work out great from here.

Cohen diffuses the tension between The Told Ones and Hrun the Barbarian's Silver Horde (a group of aged, or "experienced", barbarians who used to follow Cohen but have since taken up with Hrun). Kring is returned, and the group makes Hrun sign a "no attacking village" contract, which the barbarians will definitely stick to. Oh, and Deck randomly pulls an eye out of a newt's head. Adventuring!

Finally, the group departs for Quirm, a lively city full of exciting street performers and delicious aromas…except for the sausages being peddled by Whack-Meself-Off Dibbler, who welcomes them to the city and points out a couple of arguing men over by a collapsed tower…but who are these men, and what are they fighting about? I guess it's up to the group to figure it out!

But still, the clock is ticking…

Session 2
"Bad-Ass" Motherfuckers

As our adventurers approach No Such Monastery to the cries of "HEEEEYYY ABBOOOOTT!" they are greeted by Qu, a somewhat nebbish scientifically-minded member of the Order of History Monks, and The Abbot, a relatively "new" leader to the Order, well-regarded among the rest of the monks. However, all is not right. After some deep conversations, it is revealed that a small sect of monks left the monastery due to "ideological differences", led by Sen'dai's mentor Arima. Not much is known about why they left; only that there was no real bad blood, except for the artifact that was taken when they departed. The Abbot ends Sen'dai's training at NSM due to his affiliation with Arima, but tasks him with recovering the stolen item in return for his re-acceptance into the Order.

The Told Ones wander the monastery, viewing the lush and beautiful gardens and pissing off everyone they see. Beau checks out a training session to learn some sweet new moves brah, Dialyn tries to find out how to get home by visiting the library (and also melts a flower), Deck checks out the limited armory, and Sen'dai (with Loki trailing behind him) attempts to uncover the circumstances of his master's disappearance. Eventually, the group reconvenes at the side exit and starts punching rocks, with little info on where to go from here. 

Just then, Qu shows up to deliver a message: the general direction of Arima and her crew. Thus, the gang sets off in pursuit through the Ramtops. On the way, the hear a group of trolls (who seem to have trouble pronouncing their S's) approaching, and take cover in the rocks. It is then that they learn of a troll invasion against the dwarven mines. This is too much for Sen'dai, who jumps out and attacks one of the peeing trolls. A brief yet intense encounter follows, during which the team manages to murder all of the trolls but one, whom they interrogate. They learn that the dwarves have been mining troll babies and women, and this is simply their means of revenge. The troll is released, and draws them a crude map to the mines, telling our heroes that should they join the Troll cause, they will be rewarded with the spoils, as Trolls have no need for gold and such.

Going to rest for the night, The Told Ones are interrupted by an ambush from a group of shadowy robed figures, who dance around the characters for a while until another robed figure appears from the shadows and hits Sen'dai with a special "slow" technique. The figure removes its hood and reveals herself to be Arima. Apologizing for the dramatics, she brings our heroes to the humble mini-monastery of the Order of the Turtle: the monks who left NSM.

Around the campfire, Arima explains that her Order has achieved a special connection with the mind of Great A'Tuin, the sky turtle on whose back the Disc rests. They were ostracized for their "deity-worshipping" beliefs by the History Monks, and all parties agreed it was best they left. It was Arima who most fervently believed in the "prophecy" of The Told Ones, as she saw them appearing in the future, and she sent Sen'dai to gather the rest. However, the Order's connection to A'Tuin has been clouded somehow, and things are awry on the Disc. As the monks have a sworn duty not to directly interfere with the course of history, she implores the adventurers to take the Eternal Hourglass, the life-line of A'Tuin himself (ie, the stolen artifact) and find out what is going on. Her Order will help by displacing small amounts of time to make their journeys easier. She also tells them to keep an eye out for "The Sweeper", an ally who will pop up to assist them from time to time. The group accepts this quest, and sets off the next morning for Lancre, home to the Coven (who both Qu and Arima said may have answers).

After dispatching a lame group of bandits on the road, the group arrives in Lancre Town, main province of the kingdom of Lancre, and home to the Fool King and his Queen. Everyone seems excited about a "play" about to commence, and the group follows along and watches some terrible Canadian Shakespeare. During the show, two pointy-hatted women are heard loudly disapproving of the events of the performance, until a rather portly young woman takes the stage and sings a beautiful area which cracks glass.

After the first act, The Told Ones pursue the women, who turn out to be the witches of the Coven: the gaunt and intimidating Granny Esmeralda ("Esme") Weatherwax, the matronly Nanny Gytha Ogg, and eventually, the same overweight younger girl from the show, Agnes Nitt. Following the witches back to their small hamlet of Bad Ass, Loki accompanies Nanny with a fine rendition of "The Hedgehog Cannot Be Bothered At All". On the walk, Dialyn picks up on some magical energy and sees a circle of rocks in the distance, whereupon Granny scolds her and tells her not to go near " The Dancers", as they will have a pull on her. She also warns her, oddly enough, to keep iron on her person. Nanny similarly suggests they not speak of the beings who live inside The Dancers…

Arriving at Granny's hut, the group settles in for a tea-leaves reading (except with Pine needles, as Granny is forced to use the tea leaves to make actual tea). While they settle in, Nanny asks for a broom to help sweep the dust, at which point Deck begrudgingly offers his broom from his sailing days. Nanny takes a keen interest in the broom, asking who its previous owner was, then touches the object and seems upset. She tells him to take care of the broom, as Granny comes back with the tea, also seemingly perturbed. 

The reading, in which Granny attempts to "borrow" the mind of A'Tuin (a ritual almost exclusively known to witches wherein they may enter the mind of a creature and gain limited control), but can only see a little bit: namely, that a dark presence is also attempting to borrow his mind, and steer him off-course. This, Nanny explains, must be the reason for all the strange things happening on the Disc. Enraged that someone else would use "her" ritual, Granny tries to find where A'Tuin is headed, but that only a "supercomputer mind" could account for all the variables. Nanny whispers that there may be such a thing in the Forest of Skund, where, "coincidentally", the celebration of Hogswatchnight is set to occur that evening. The group takes off for the Forest, but not before Granny tells Deck to recover some items and bring them and the broom back. 

That snowy night in the Forest of Skund, The Told Ones revel (except Sen'dai and Deck, who hate reveling) at the yearly celebration of Hogswatchnight, a magical night where the Hogfather gives gifts to all the good little boys and girls on the Disc. During the jubilation, Dialyn wanders off and finds The Dancers, the circle of rocks with a magical aura, and a ring of iron around the stones. Sen'dai and Loki follow her, but she suddenly disappears, reappearing minutes later with a stronger magical aura about her. 

Deck, meanwhile, sees a creature darting through the woods, and takes off in pursuit, the rest of the team (eventually) giving chase as well. They track the being to a giant tree with a large entrance, which they soon discover to be The Forest Temple of Skund, home to the druids (who are believed to have the supercomputer of which the witches spoke). Entering the trap-filled overgrown ruins, the group is met with the temple's guardian: a Shambling Mound. Luckily, during the encounter they hear an elderly Tarzan-like voice from the trees overhead, and down swings the legendary Cohen the Barbarian, the same person they followed to the Temple. He goes into a hulk-like rage and helps make quick work of the monster, and agrees to help the group through the temple.

A vine maze and some other inconveniences aside, The Told Ones (with the assistance of Cohen) make their way through the temple, eventually arriving at a Teleporter Crystal, which Dialyn manages to manipulate to bring them to a secret chamber. Listening in, they hear what sounds like a strange ritual going on.

As they enter the room (a bit too loudly), The Told Ones stumble upon a group of cloaked figures (seeing a pattern here?) finishing the ritual amid 4 trees and, at the center of it all, a book. A taller figure, overseeing all this, begins to exit the room as the ritual ends.

Suddenly, the four elements pour from each of the trees (air, water, fire, and earth) and enter the book, at which point a devilish being emerges from its pages, announcing himself to be Mephistopheles, Lord of Hell. The terrifying monster and his followers then turn their attention to our heroes…

Welcome to your campaign!
A blog for your campaign

Wondering how to get started? Here are a few tips:

1. Invite your players

Invite them with either their email address or their Obsidian Portal username.

2. Edit your home page

Make a few changes to the home page and give people an idea of what your campaign is about. That will let people know you’re serious and not just playing with the system.

3. Choose a theme

If you want to set a specific mood for your campaign, we have several backgrounds to choose from. Accentuate it by creating a top banner image.

4. Create some NPCs

Characters form the core of every campaign, so take a few minutes to list out the major NPCs in your campaign.

A quick tip: The “+” icon in the top right of every section is how to add a new item, whether it’s a new character or adventure log post, or anything else.

5. Write your first Adventure Log post

The adventure log is where you list the sessions and adventures your party has been on, but for now, we suggest doing a very light “story so far” post. Just give a brief overview of what the party has done up to this point. After each future session, create a new post detailing that night’s adventures.

One final tip: Don’t stress about making your Obsidian Portal campaign look perfect. Instead, just make it work for you and your group. If everyone is having fun, then you’re using Obsidian Portal exactly as it was designed, even if your adventure log isn’t always up to date or your characters don’t all have portrait pictures.

That’s it! The rest is up to your and your players.

Session 1
Tale of The Told Ones

Two monks walk along a quiet mountain pass on a starry night, noting that the constellations seem to be out of alignment. They believe it is time to summon "The Told Ones", and then one of them asks the other for weed. A storm is coming.

Cut to an actual storm on the high seas, where a lone ship is set ablaze and sinking fast. A woman shouts orders to no avail, as a solitary lifeboat rows away with dark figures aboard. One of them seems regretful…The ship sinks, and one passenger is knocked overboard, but not before making a desperate plea to the skies above…or perhaps the sea below. As he loses consciousness, he hears a soothing melodic voice and feels a pair of arms scoop him up.

In the city of Ankh-Morpork, there are no higher magic users than the Wizards of Unseen University. Their magic, however, seems to be running dry these days. That, and it's hot as blazes outside all the time. A female half-elf is suddenly teleported against her will across a great distance (a VERY great distance) and finds herself in a room in the University. Her name is Dialyn, and she is a Warlock.

She meets a Triton Bard named Loki in the halls, and the two are quickly catapulted into a broom closet by a fast-moving cowardly wizard named Rincewind, who has royally pissed off the University's ape-ish Librarian (no, he's actually a giant ape. Don't ask). After apologizing profusely, Rincewind escorts our two heroines to the cafeteria, where Archancellor Mustrum Ridcully pleads for their help in finding out why their magic has ceased to work. Perhaps the History Monks of the distant " No Such Monastery" (yes, that's the name. Don't ask) have information.

Our heroes journey outside and meet a "sausage" peddler named Cut-Me-Own-Throat (CMOT for short) Dibbler, who tells them to look for the Mariner at the Mended Drum, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Of course, how could they say no? He also tries to sell them some mystery meat (Don't. Ask.) The bustling bar in the even-more-bustling city of Ankh-Morpork is filled with brawls and sketchy characters, but they manage to find the Mariner, whose name is Deckland, or Deck. Loki seems uneasy. He tells them he knows a bit about the monastery, but before they are able to learn more, a commotion erupts outside.

Members of the City Watch (mostly a set of bumbling Keystone Cops) have arrested the man (or A man) they believe responsible for the ship fire (remember? from the start!) from which Deck was spared by unknown forces. However, a voice inside Deck's head tells him to aid the prisoner, who insists on his innocence as he repeatedly exclaims "I am Beaureguard Shazam! Don't you know who my brothers are!?" A brief tussle ensues, with a mysterious figure watching from a distance, until the Commander of the Watch, one Sam Vimes, fires a strange mechanical mini-cannon he calls a "gonne" and the group is "escorted" to jail, after being knocked out, of course.

The quartet awakens in the dungeons of the Patrician's Palace, the jailhouse of Lord Havelock Vetinari. They are rescued by a robed figure who claims his name is Sen'Dai the Monk, and who insists the group follow him. They are able to escape after a few interesting encounters (including rescuing a giant frog while murdering a giant lizard, freeing some insane lunatics, and reading a diary…you know how dungeons go), but not before being locked in a room by Vetinari himself, along with a tiny abused Green Dragon. After much debate over how to approach the situation, the 5 heroes defeat the dragon, and Beau decides to awaken and befriend the beast. For some insane reason no one can quite understand, the party goes along with this, and so does the dragon. It truly is an Age of Miracles.

Fleeing from the Palace, The Told Ones (a name referenced by Sen'Dai, who is keen on getting them out of the city ASAP) make their way through The Shades, the worst of the worst of Ankh'Morpork, but surprisingly, no one bothers this dragon-toting band of adventurers. They escape on foot into the wild, murder some trolls, perform some major dentistry, do some journey-time-RPing, and try to block out the repulsive farts of their new Draconic friend (who Beau eventually releases into the wild…this can only end well, right?)

They finally reach (well, it actually only took them a couple days…odd, isn't it?) the Ramtops Mountain region, the home of No Such Monastery. As they approach, a robed figure emerges, sees our heroes, turns around back to the monastery, and yells: "HEEEY ABBOOOOOOTT!"


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